Blog entry for:

**a part of** rather than **apart from.** i am not quite sure where this going this morning, it already has an ominous ring in my head, and i have barely begin to scratch the surface. i looked at my entry for last year and i am certainly not where i was a year ago. when i think of those in the fellowship, most of time it is warmly. to say that i find all of those who happen to share my recovery with, worthy of either my time or my attention, would be a flat out lie. there i said it. even feeling a part of does not preclude me from liking or disliking someone, nor does it stop me from judging them and deciding who is and who is not going to be an active part of my life. i really hate those who come in and share about how everyone is supposed to love them unconditionally and than proceeds to dump a big load of crap on the table, blathering on and on about absolutely nothing, or berating us as a whole, for not catering to their every need and whim. there is also the endless parade of newcomers that march in and out of the groups, with little concern about who and what they touch as they trample through. i really have trouble making myself feel as if i am part of that sideshow either.
this is where the trouble begins for me. as i read over what i have written, i am beginning to see a pattern. each time, i separate someone into a group by making a judgement, i am finding a difference between me and them. as i detect more and more difference between myself and others, i become further away from the spiritual principles that have become my life, and closer to spinning down the drain into active addiction. oh i doubt if i stay away from an obnoxious person or two i will have a needle in my arm tomorrow, BUT, if i start avoiding meetings and hanging with my peers in recovery BECAUSE so and so is there and all they ever share is a random series of non-sequiturs, THAN i am certainly on the path back to using. it is here where my judgement about who and what someone is, DOES NOT serve me well. the truth is, i NEED to be a part of, regardless of who happens to be in the rooms at the time. sure, grand entrances and shuffling around during the meeting is certainly one way of attracting to myself, and maybe that is what i need to feel a part of, on any given day. when i am living a program, i can and do feel a part of, without needing to be at the center of the universe and having all eyes upon me. do not get me wrong. I LIKE being the center of attention and participate in plenty of attention seeking behaviors on a regular basis. is is also true, that i KNOW that those who are here, will give exactly what i NEED, if i allow them to, including an end to the lonely isolation, the part of me i call addiction is world famous for fostering in me.
where does that leave me off? well today, i want to be in the middle of the herd, the center of the boat, to borrow a few twisted metaphors for myself. i want to be a part of the fellowship that has given me this new way of living and i WILL do what i can to make others feel welcome, especially those that are like and enjoy life on the margins.

∞ DT ∞