Blog entry for:

honestly, i am not the most social person. i am not at ease in social situations, contrary to appearances, and i do not feel comfortable just talking to anyone. the shrink i saw for a brief time in my early recovery diagnosed me as having panic disorder and told me that the only thing that kept from becoming a full-blown agoraphobic was the use of mind-altering substances to ease my panic in social situations.
so what i had become by the end of my active addiction was an isolated recluse. active addiction finally stripped me of the desire to spend time with anyone else. i believed that this was a result of my selfish hoarding of substances -- after all if there was no one else there was more for me! so for me being alone was not a curse but a gift.
recovery has created a need in me to be with those i care about. i have friends today that do not care what material things i bring to the table and for some reason like me for who i am. the rooms have allowed me to learn to be more at ease in social situations and has created a dependence on other people to tell the TRUTH about myself. it still is a mystery to me why anyone would want to spend time me, would respect my experience or seek out my company but i do not have to figure that out today. perhaps it is because i really have become a person who is worthy of having friends, relationships and the care of others. but all that is irrelevant, because the fact is, today i have a circle of people in my life and i can be a friend, a lover, a confidant and a person worthy of respect. and that is one of the many gifts that i have received since i decided that i was an addict and needed to find a new way to live.
∞ DT ∞