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overcome my isolation, after all, i am a social retard and the easier, softer way, is to just stay home and avoid any interactions with the world around me? that was certainly how i lived my life, back in the day. i limited my interactions to my family members, my co-workers and very select few of others who i called my “friends.” the professional i saw, early in my recovery, diagnosed me with panic disorder and to9ld me the only reason i was not an agoraphobic, was because i used. the problem therefore, was how to overcome my social anxiety and get out into the world, when it was the very substances i “had to” leave behind, that allowed me to be out and about. the doctor put me on medication, and after ninety days or so, of living in that chemical fog, i asked to have it ended and had to learn to be social without any sort of chemical crutch. as a result, i certainly have a bit more empathy than some of my peers, when it comes to addicts in recovery, having to take prescribed medication. that, however is totally off-topic and may be a theme i pick up on another day.
learning to be social and navigate the tricky world of interpersonal relationships, has been quite the journey. i am grateful i am a part of a fellowship that is a bit more forgiving than the general world when it comes to social gaffes. over the weekend i got an invite to join some of my peers for a night at the movies. the last time i got invited, i was on call and could not attend. this time, i wondered if i could create an excuse or simply ignore the invite, as the film is not on the top of my “must-see” list. what i did instead is accept the invite and saw it for what it is, a night out, with a group of my peers, outside the rooms. back in the dark, dank and dreary days of my early recovery, going out with my peers was an activity i craved. most, if not all of my peers from those days, here in the local fellowship are gone, which is a sad fact of life. over time, i got a life, with a career, a home, responsibilities and relationships that require maintenance, and i drifted away from the social part of the fellowship. today, i see that as i “grew,𔃉 hanging with my peeps and maintaining those relationships outside of meetings became less and less of a priority and i isolated myself, once again, in a cocoon of home, work and service.
the choice to have an evening out with my peers, and yes, friends in the program, is a return to old form. back in those early days i did not have a life, now that i have one, it is time to add a bit more activity into the mix. i am discovering that there is more than enough, for activities outside of my oh so normal routine. the doctor was correct way back when. she told me that if i wanted to get over my social anxiety and be a part of the world, i would have to exercise a bit of courage and make the effort to be social. i am far from being socially adept, but i am no longer a social f*ck-tard either. as i move along, my solution for the isolation that i “chose” in active addiction is in the rooms of recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞