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has given me in the fellowship that has become my home. because of them, i am lonely no more. one of my peers shared something in my home group the other day, that is still ringing in my ears. once the noise in my head about what to do finally diminished, i was struck by the notion of what he shared and how it applied to my life. he spoke about GOD putting the fellowship in his path, so he could find recovery. that notion started a long train of thought that led me to conclude that it was the fellowship that ended up potting GOD into my life. actually it was THIS fellowship and not the one i started this journey in, that led me to find the POWER that fuels my recovery. here i was FORCED to think for myself, as here recovery is not seen as some sort of race that needs to be accomplished in a few short weeks. when i was actually forced to look for my own path to the POWER that fuels my recovery, i may have wandered around aimlessly for a bit, but once the detritus of my own reluctance to see what was in front of me was finally removed, i found my way.
one may argue all sorts of things about what was or was not always there. that argument is moot, and truthfully it is casting of pearls before swine, kind of thing. those who have not found their way yet, are not going to appreciate that the path even exists. it really irks me the way some are so smug about what they believe that they dare to preach to those of us, who have quite a different path to follow. that was NOT the case Saturday, it was an expression of gratitude and it got me thinking, not angry, defensive or put-off. i have, however, strayed a bit from the topic.
this whole chicken and egg argument, is a smoke-screen for what is really going on. i am on the verge of once again making a NINTH STEP, and i am struggling with how to respond to someone i consider a friend. the problem is that when i compare what i get and give in that relationship, to all the other friendships i have been given, i am truly amazed and wonder why it is, that i allow myself to violate everything i believe about what friendship means to me. which brings me back to the whole issue of the POWER that fuels my recovery. if i really have FAITH that i have a purpose in all of my relationships, than it is my job to honor that purpose to the best of my ability, even when the relationship has no fun and very little joy in it. my reluctance to respond, comes down to the fact i have yet to decide which way i want to go, and i full well know what the results will be, knowing the other party as well as i do. so once more i need to let go, be grateful for the friendships and relationships i do have, because the fellowship led me to a POWER that fuels my recovery, which in turn, gave me the tools and opportunities to have people in my life to fret over. yes very convoluted but in the end the result is the same. i am clean today. i have a life beyond my wildest drug-induced fantasies, and i have people in my life that care for me, and that i care for, as well. i am a part of this world, thanks to this fellowship and the POWER that fuels my recovery. so just for right now,. i think i will shower off, scrape the whiskers off my face and get on over to work, for that is also part of this life i have been given.

∞ DT ∞