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have much to teach me about what works and what does not. lots of random thoughts this morning, but i think as i get through this exercise i will be able to draw them into a coherent whole, or maybe not. first off the stack, my honey is OKAY and will be coming home this afternoon. i am so dense sometimes, that i had not realized that she was going in for some very MAJOR surgery and when i finally got a clue, man was i floored. we talked about it and somehow in my mind, i diminished it away to nothing. the fact here is that i was not listening, i was not present in this instance and i got humbled very quickly yesterday morning.
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next off, it was really amazing that someone in the fellowship asked me where i was last night. due to the surgery event, i went to the hospital and then went home after smoking a cigar last night, and one of my friends texted me and asked where i was. amazing, truly amazing that someone was checking up on me. at first i was a bit put out by it, but lately, my meeting attendance has been a bit spotty due to vacation and the events that are running around in my life. not that i am on my way out, in fact i am planning to hit a meeting i normally do not go to, tonight. no what is happening is life is getting in the way, so i have to make accommodations in my life to fit my recovery schedule, and i am finding that a little more than difficult. oh well, i will see HOW i can step things up.
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finally,the last thought from the stack this morning. i am learning what it means to know it all, by experiencing it at work. one of my co-workers, who barely knows an ampersand from asterisk, continually spouts off about stuff he has no knowledge about, and to make it worse, when shown he is wrong, spins it away, so that he looks correct, or appears to look correct in his own head. honestly, i do not think he will last another four weeks here, regardless, this is the mirror of myself that i so badly need. he is drowning at work, feels poorly about how far behind the learning curve he is, so he hides his insecurities behind a shell of knowing it all. yes, the pocket shrink is in action. how the fVck do i think i know what is going on? it is my behavior being mirrored back to me bit by bit. based on his performance and the lack of respect he is getting, i can empathize with him and i would be doing the same stuff. never being wrong is a tough road to travel, and in the end it never led me to where i wanted to be. the m,ore i asserted how correct i was, the more ridiculous i looked in the eyes of others and the more i had to boost up my self-esteem by being the expert on everything. whether or not that is going on with him, i do not know, but i do know that watching him squirm gives me some very perverse pleasure that has shown up on my TENTH STEPS the last few nights, which certainly means that i have some work to do.
not knowing because i was not paying attention, letting those who love me in and watching thee behaviors of others, for clues to my own, all relate in the end run. each are symptoms of the part of me i call addiction, working its magic on myself and recognizing that, allows me to sit down, shut up and listen for what to do next. right here and right now? well it is time to hop into the shower and head over to work for the morning. all i have to do, is the next right thing and all will be well. the rest of that stuff? well i think i will let go and see what i can learn from the experience, it is after all a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞