Some memes

make for healthy -- or at least healthier relationships. it is interesting that i chose to use a different source for this little exercise a year ago, as i had just left one of the most toxic relationships i have ever had in recovery. the death of my Mom. freed me from her hold on me, but my niece, who was clueless about anything but her own desires, had me spinning ever day, until she was finally forced to move out of my Mom's house. to this day, i have no desire to interact with her in any way, as i have built a mountain range several miles high as a boundary between the two of us. i have forgiven her and i no longer am angry or resentful towards her, but i am not about to forget what she did and let her back into my life, to do it all over again.
as i grow into this set of steps, and trust me, i am definitely growing through some pain and anguish as i see what i am and what i have the desire to be, i am finding some solace in the fact that i am willing to do what it takes. i may have a program of active recovery that has a daily rhythm to it, but there is still a whole lot of growth that needs to happen, as i get clues to who i want to be when i grow up. i no longer am satisfied playing the game of pleasing others, while selling out my values and ideals, even if those values and ideals are but a glimmer to my conscious self. the theme that keeps popping up for me these days, is kindness. being kind to others and for once in my life, being kind to myself. i know how new-agish and touchy-feely that may sound, but i see that it a pattern of behavior i need to break and possibly the biggest part of what i need to admit i am powerless over and surrender into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery.
as wonderful as that may sound, my fear is that by doing so, i will lose the edginess of my personality that i have always liked. once again i am treading down a path into becoming something i do nor-t want to be and i hear that part of me i call addiction screaming at the top of its lungs to stop, hold on, what the fuck do you thing you are doing? what i feel, however, is that edge will not be removed, but it just might be a little less abrasive to those around me and certainly to myself. there is perhaps a healthy boundary that is being created as i walk through this round of steps and as a result, i may find the peace of mind and serenity that i have lacked for so long, at least as far as i am concerned. so it is off to the streets to get a workout under my sneakers, let go of what i need to do today and be okay with being less than the stellar example of a recovering addict, just for today.

∞ DT ∞