Blog entry for:

after all they are bringing to light opportunities for me to change and grow.
before i get started on this beautiful bus ride to Boulder, i need to check in. yesterday sucked. nothing went well in the morning and i wanted to check-out and spend the day in bed, with the covers over my head and just let the world go by. today, well i am grateful that i acted “as if,” and went about my day in an ordinary manner, doing what came next and being the best person i could be. the day ended up with me bring Lucy home and the thought that i never have to worry about her again, is a bit comforting, but somehow feels cold and callous. her spot in my heart will never be filled and even now i am doing my best not to cry. yes, i hurt, i am heart-broken and not very good with just letting myself feel the grief that is filling me now. this too shall pass as the cliché goes, and in time it will fade into the background. i want all sorts of stuff, but what i get, well that is something entirely different.
the reading this morning, as i switch gears in a very clumsy segue, brought back the last conversation i had with one particularly troubled sponsee. he somehow believes that he can ascribe motives to my behavior and most of the time he is so fVcking wrong, it is laughable, but every now and again he gets something correct and when he does…
so back to our conversation, more than one of the things he said, set-up a chain reaction within me, and i FELT i needed to defend and justify my position and opinions. choosing to ignore that behavior, i drafted quite the letter to him and basically ripped him a new one, in an of so fVcking spiritual manner. even though i focused on me, i basically said you do not know sh!t and when you are ready to get a clue, give me a call. it is a good thing that i have this pause button installed, as a result of the program of recovery i am doing my damnedest to live by. that missive from hell remains unsent, unprinted and most importantly unable to be used by the voice that will keep him down and downtrodden.
me, and after all it really is all about me, well taking what he said i see the validity of some of his points, the amazing thing is where he was spot on, he was 180 degrees wrong about what my motive was. in other words he correctly pointed out what i was doing, but instead of stopping there, he ascribed motives based on his very rigid, brittle black and white view of the world. the reason i was so defensive, is that i do not want nor do i like others pointing out that i am behaving contrary to the values i espouse. i do NOT feel good, when i do NOT look like what i want to be. my greatest character defect is the overwhelming desire to look better than i am, which has it roots in the notion that i can never be the best of anything and i have to settle for second place, FOREVER!
well today, i am not settling. i will pick-up the mantle, live the best life i can and not seek the approval of others to bolster my self-esteem, i am so much better than that. my sponsee? well i expect a letter any day now telling me to fVck off and if i am wrong? well i will burn that bridge when i get to it.

∞ DT ∞