Blog entry for:

limits my ability to receive the help they are offering me. when i let go of my defenses, i open the door to change, growth, and new freedom.
well i do not know why Saturday tasks are turning into marathons and disasters these days. hopefully i took enough precautions yesterday, that when i return to the task at hand, i am not in the same situation i found myself in last week. i know that is way off topic, BUT it was something i needed to vent about, after all, this is my space and i can vent if i want to.
which brings me back to the topic at hand, of course i react defensively when i am told how bad i am. oh, i know that they are not telling me that i am bad, rather i am behaving in less than an exemplar manner. that is the rational side of me, and the real truth is, that side rarely gets a chance to kick in before my knee-jerk emotional side. i then find myself already in a defensive posture and it is hard to back down from that stance.since that is the reality, what i need to look at is what drives those emotional reactions. it is not because i need to lie and cover-up anymore. since i do not live a life of active addiction, that need has been removed from me. i do my best to practice the spiritual principles of active recovery in my everyday life, so it is not that i need to be afraid of having some of my less than savory behaviors pointed out, that hardly needs to happen at all, these days. i am becoming more sure of myself and comfortable with who i am, so criticism need not be an affront to my once fragile self-esteem. yet, all of these reasons and more, still drive that emotional reaction. not that i hard-wired that way, i believe that this wiring was installed during active addiction. i believe that the only way for that circuit to be short-circuited is to keep on the path i am choosing to walk these days. i know that a certain level of defensiveness to criticism is part of the human condition and i will never be totally free from that. what i want is a path that allows me to be open-minded on the way to that clanging shut of the steel gates that protect me from harm. i want to be able to use my rational response rather than my emotional one, as i react to the criticism of my behaviors. i want to be able to separate my behavior from myself and live in a world where they can coexist peacefully. sound like ‘pie in the sky’ dreams? perhaps. this morning i choose to believe that through step work and an active program of recovery, it is possible for me to approach that ideal bit by bit every day.
i could go on and on, but i have a task at hand that i NEED to accomplish, i have a dawg that needs to be exercised and i want to see the world before it gets too hot today. so i will sign-odd with this thought: it is better to aim for the stars and miss, rather than not trying at all.

∞ DT ∞