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for the common good. those are two words that were not part of my daily vocabulary when i got clean. it was all for me and screw everyone else. i might have appeared to be cooperation, but that was just an act to get what i needed to get. i lived life as if i was the most important person in the world, because that was what i thought was meant when some one said that they were confident and self-assured. in that same vein, i believed that to be assertive, meant that i had to be aggressive, and the list of behaviors based on my low self-worth, goes on and on. after a minute clean, i can certainly see where my confusion was and now that i have developed more than a modicum of self-worth, self-respect and self-esteem, i see how ludicrous those defense mechanisms really were. it is not as if i am any sort of model citizen of my recovery fellowship, these days, BUT and yes it is a very big one, i am much better at cooperating and pulling together with my peers to address the common good.
moving on to the here and now, after a very relaxing and long weekend with my cousins up in Montana, i can certainly say that the past sixteen or so hours have been a whirlwind of trying to catch-up with the rest of the world and my world at home. it is not as if i had a whole lot of stuff to get done or that many demands on my time but i certainly forgot how many e-mails i get on a daily basis. when i take off for ten days in January, i am going to have to shut down a shit-ton of those. as i finish my laundry and wonder how cruel my new running shoes are going to be on my feet, i begin to wonder if that is all i have to gripe about this morning, is it really worth mentioning? life in my shoes, cruel or otherwise really is far from heinous these days. my aging relatives did not make the wedding celebration which was too bad, but i did get to see a cousin i had not seen in decades. i did not realize how much i missed her,m and although our time together was brief, it was great to make that connection again.
i do need to get out and about to work off the effects of a slow motion weekend on my fitness. i know that the time off was well-deserved and perhaps i need to be a OCD about forced days off as i am about working out. that is certainly something to consider as the days start to get shorter and hotter. today, however, is not one of those days and i need to get my ass in gear. i can and will be a part of something more today, just by listening and contributing as requested. i also know that i am certainly not the end-all, be-all and no longer need to pretend that perhaps i may be, just for today.

∞ DT ∞