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a return to using can seem like the only way out. before i get rolling, let me say this as plainly as possible: although the topic is relapse, i am not thinking of using anything, just for today.
with that said, one of the biggest excuses i hear for others deciding to use, is that life just sucks. someone dies, someone leaves them, they lose a job or they just get tired of feeling. i get all of that and have had most of that occur across the course of my recovery. part of the reason i have not used, no matter how attractive it may look, is that i happen to like the ability to think clearly and see the world for what it is. i used to think that was the case with drugs on board, but as look back through the lens of years clean, i realize that back then, i saw the world the way i wanted to see the world, and it gave me enough cause to want to get away and never leave my living room. if anything, the world in general has gotten worse, and yet at the same time, i my life has gotten so much better. the material rewards of doing the next right thing are certainly nice, and to say that i would not miss them, if i lost them due to a sudden shift in my life circumstances would be a major, bald-faced lie, i like my stuff, PERIOD!
material things aside, one of the gifts i have received from staying clean and practicing a program of active recovery, is the ability to participate in relationships as a fully engaged partner, instead of just phoning it in and doing what i need to do to look good, acting “as is” i really care when all i want is whatever my selfish need happens to be at that time. being a partner in my relationships is tough, i sometimes long for the days when relationships were all about power, who had it and how could i get more of it, at least there it was a zero sum game, that i understood on an animal level. today? well, if i practice all the principles in all of my affairs that game is gone and somehow, mysteriously to a person like me, things get better in those relationships and i can only attribute it to, not using no matter what.
i get that there are times i want to get away again, but for me, using is not the answer, neither is gambling, shopping or any of the other half a dozen or so behaviors that are part of my changing the way i am feeling repertoire. today, the best thing i can to, is stay clean, be a part of my life and allow the storm clouds, when they arrive to blow over once again. seriously it is all temporary, even me, so i might as well make the best possible life i can for myself, by staying clean, just for today.

∞ DT ∞