Blog entry for:

i am quite surprised i have yet to use this as my seed. strange as it may seem, perhaps using **death** in a blog title triggered an irrational and superstitious response. this morning, as i deal with my mortality and yes my recovery, addressing this topic seemed to be germane. as far as i know right now, none of my ongoing medical conditions are **terminal** and yet over the next few weeks i will be poked, prodded and imaged to verify that as fact. there is a part of me that longs for the “good old days” when i did not take care of myself and lived in a hedonistic, fatalistic manner, that precluded any caring about my physical, dental, mental or spiritual health. ignorance was truly bliss and any of my problems were quick to solve with a little drop of dis or dat.
ah, but those days are long gone and dang it all, recovery has given me a desire to be more than just clean another day. recovery has given me the spark to do more than just settle for an existence. i have come to the place in my life where i care about having a nearly full set of teeth in my head. i have come to a place in my life, where i am tired of dragging around thirty pounds of fat, around what was once my waist. i have come to a place where swallowing my emotions is no longer an option i choose to exercise and allowing what is really going on inside of me, to be seen by all of my peers. i have come to a place in my life, where i care about the damage in leave in my wake and strive to minimize that as i walk through my day. those are examples of how i choose a new manner in which to live, rather than sinking into the morass of boredom and fading into the sunset.
interesting that one of the darkest topic i choose to write about, turns into a rainbow and daisy fest. maybe, i am not as sick as i want to believe or make everyone else around me believe. maybe, the days i have been clean actually mean more than just not using. does any of this really matter, to anyone but me? here is where i can dive into some musings of a political nature. part of my spirit no longer being “not dead yet” is i am no longer pining for the fjords that once were my home. that is why it is so disturbing to me, that i am looking forward to my procedure tomorrow morning. the “sick” part of me cannot wait for the ten or fifteen seconds where i get to feel the medication, before i drift off into conscious sedation. i tell myself i “should” be better than this and that i “need” to find the way not to enjoy that brief slice of time. what i sincerely need to do, is to let go of my anticipation, my desire to control and my nostalgic recall and accept that this procedure is part of my life and the medications the doctor gives me, is part of allowing them to do the test. no matter how i dice or slice it, it is going to be a part of my reality and as an addict, there will always probably be a part of me, who will look forward to the ride, just as there will be a part of me,. who feels shame for enjoying it. it is a good day to be clean and yes even a better day to affirm my decision to be a better person, physically and spiritually, just for today.

∞ DT ∞