Some memes

thoughtful welcome to the newcomers as well as those new to my home group, my be part of the DNA of the fellowship, but it certainly was not part of mine. the last thing i wanted when i was using was someone new in my circle, unless of course they had something that i desired, and then, of course i was all over the notion of welcoming them into my world. even after i was clean for a minute, i could hardly be called the most welcoming soul in at any meeting. unfortunately it took me quite of bit of time and a bunch of step work before i was ready to greet the newcomer parade. this morning, however, i found my name and number being starred on the phone list i sent around for the guy that showed up at my home group with five days clean. i am not sure what he heard or saw that made him decide that maybe, just maybe, he might want to call me before he used again, i juts know that when i spoke to him, it was with a sense of gratitude that he had arrived at our tiny meeting this morning.
returning to the here now, what i am wondering is what i felt like at five days clean and if that has anything in common with what he is feeling. i know i had just got busted for using and was in no sort of mood to be welcomed in again, as i had been fronting my clean time for over five months. i dreaded the loss of face that i would endure when i owned up to that fact and wanted to sort of, kind of fad away for six months, so i could take an honest six month key fob. in fact i did run from the fellowship that was to become my home and hid out in a different “A” focused on the abuse of EtOH. those members gave me enough recovery to stay clean and welcomed me, even after i owned that i had been using, but their program of recovery was not my cup of tea. returning to my “A” after six months started the process that has led me to be writing this little slice of my life, today.
the other topic that is on my mind is something one of my peers shared about this morning, specifically what is my purpose in this life? that has been a question that used to haunt me, in fact, it haunted me until very recently. what i finally arrived at, is that it is my purpose to be the best person i can be and add a bit of sanity, kindness and order to this loud, chaotic and rough and tumble world. if at the end of the day, i can truly say that i fostered a bit of any of those three qualities, i have met my purpose in the here and now. i am more than an addict in recovery, but that is a huge part of my identity, and i accept that as fact. the rest? well i just make it up as i go through my day, being the best person i can be, just for today.

∞ DT ∞