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help a newcomer only i can reach. ah the stuff i hear coming from those on the margins. incredibly it is always the same old, sad refrain, unchanged in any aspect regardless of race, age, or gender. the hypocrites in the fellowship, who are judging me, are keeping me from recovery, i am such a victim, WAH, WAH, WAH! never a whit of responsibility, ownership or <GASP> insight about how their accusations are evidence of them doing the exact same thing, judging others. enough of the message that those who do not want to recover seem to carry, the fact of the matter is, there is absolutely no way i should be clean today, as i was one of those. the only difference between them and me, is that i realized early o n that people in the fellowship were no different than people everywhere else. they would play games and practice social maneuvers, just like people anywhere else. there was no reason for me to expect anything less, from any group of human beings. as a class that is certainly true, and it certainly allowed me to maintain a detachment of sorts from the fellowship in general, nevertheless, most of my friends, most of social life and my life in general revolves around my recovery and the fellowship that has given me this new manner of living. what someone said referred to as courage was bullsh!t, plain and simple, it was just another excuse. for me, the only thing that finally got me past being the judge of those who did not reach out and touch me, was my lack of desire to go to prison. yes it was incarceration and not isolation that kept me coming back. even that is not enough for many who have whine the refrain about not feeling comfortable in meetings because…
as i sit here this morning, i can plainly state that what i share here and in meetings is what i am thinking and i really do not give a flying fVck what others may think of me. yes, i can say that, and sometimes it is true. i do care, however, as i stay clean and work steps, that need to appear better than i am, or to hide how bad i think i am from the world in general and those who know and love specifiably, diminishes. for me, recovery is not just about not using no matter what, it is about furthering my evolution into the person i have always wanted to be: genuine, self-aware and whole. today, i do have friends in the rooms, because i allow them to be a part of my life and see who i really am, instead of fronting how tough and fVcking independent i am. today i have the means to support myself, because i did the footwork, instead of making excuses for what i was unwillinmg to do. today, i am clean and have been clean for many days in a row, because i did what i did not want to do, back in the day, i got past my idiotic judgements and allowed myself to become a fully participating member of the fellowship and my own life. i decided that i had, had enough of living on the margins and took the action i needed to take to live a full life, instead of hiding out, thinking that i was owed something because of all the pain the world had inflicted upon me. today i realize that if i want a better life, a better me, than i am responsible to do something other than sit around all day. today i realize that it is because of recovery, and those terribly judgmental people in the rooms, that i have everything i have, and best of all i earned it. yes, i am grateful that i kept coming back to show those fVckers, that even someone like me could stay clean, lose the desire to use and find a new way of life. here i am, i iz one of those guys now! ironic ain't it?

∞ DT ∞