Some memes

no matter what their personal makeup, has a unique quality to offer. as i head towards Boulder on the bus this morning i am reminded of how things were way back when. although i was quite clueless about how i really felt about myself, i had reached a state where i thought that there may be something more than legal troubles bubbling under the surface. considering that was far beyond my ability in those days, but service to the fellowship i was working so hard to fool was something i could do. after all, it made me look good, and at least for that hour every day at noon, i was not using. the event that finally drove me to get real with my recovery was about another eighteen months away. i still had to come to the realization that i was an addict and not addicted. i still had to come to grips with the notion that i was in wrong fellowship. i had to see that although my step work was honest, it lacked any depth, and if i was going to stay clean, i would need to work through the steps at least once more time. i had to see that as my own sponsor i was getting sicker. i had to go out to New Jersey, and hang with an old using buddy, in all the strip clubs, bars and while he consumed quantities of a substance that was once my love. all of that needed to happen before i could see what was needed in my life, much less start to develop the sort of program that ended up becoming my program of active recovery.
so opening a meeting of another fellowship, while i was still using, was more than a bit disingenuous, but it kept me tied to the rooms, as i was not about to flake out on a responsibility back in those days. it was all about looking good and not showing up would not fulfill that desire. service became my identity after about the first eighteen months of my recovery, especially committee service and starting meetings. i may not have had “pure” motives, but i served nevertheless, and i served at multiple committees throughout the service structure and it was quite some time before i finally moved into a different kind of service, one that calls to me still. one that goes more to personally carrying the message of HOPE to another addict, and one where i may not earn any “life-time achievement” certificates, i know that i am being true to myself and maybe just maybe joyously serving those who have a need. there is certainly a payoff for me as well. yes, these days it is not a bad thing to look at what my payoffs are for the stuff i do. denying that i desire a reward is a notion that i have come to see is false humility, of course i want a reward for the good stuff i do, even if it is just a boost in my self-respect, and status enhancement in my own eyes, shutting off the internal judge, jury and executioner that resides between my ears.
so as i approach my jumping off point, i can be certain that if i am present today, if i do my best to do my best, i can and will serve myself, my employer, my family, my friends and peers, and the fellowship that has brought me to this place, just for today.

∞ DT ∞