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i will take a good look at input from fellow addicts. the real question is, do i really WANT TO BE FREE? oh i say so, after all the chains and prison of active addiction weighed heavily on me for all, those years. the seeming prison of early recovery, doing everything that felt like it went against all that is was, was almost enough to get over the barrier of not wanting to become a ward of the state. freedom, as i have come to find out, also has its price and its consequences, and some of those are not to my liking!
here is where the lie comes in, disguised as a rationalization, but a lie nevertheless. as i get freedom, including the ability to be self-supporting i lose all the excuses i have to stay sick and miserable. no one, unless i choose to allow them to, can make me miserable. so when i slip back into the “see what you made me do” mode, after all if YOU were working a program, i would not have done what i did. freedom from active addiction, has also meant freedom from co-dependance for me. when the three disturbing realizations kick-in, instead of doing the next right thing, working a step, calling a trusted friend, sharing at a meeting, i clamp down, certain that everyone is judging me and act as if what i am thinking is some sort of fVcking state secret, that i would kill to protect. yes, my defensive reaction is to become even more self-obsessed and isolated. after all, i tell myself, judging myself through the eyes of others, is one of the most pernicious shortcomings i have. such a perfect foil to prevent others from penetrating into my inner sanctum and seeing what a frightened, immature baby i still can be today.
of course, i am using a bit of hyperbole, to drive home my point, but it really is just a bit. somewhere down the line, i got the notion that i was beyond repair, that message was hammered home, as i learned to accept myself for who i am today. IF i can accept myself as i am today, why in the world do i need to grow into the man that i never was, life as a child is oh so much easier. the consequence of freedom, at least for me, is the knowledge of who i can become and what it will take to get there or tolerating who i am and saying this is as good as it gets, so suffer bee-awtch!
so i dilly-dally. i hitch my recovery wagon to someone else's and abdicate all responsibility for my life, telling myself that this is what humility is and certain that everyone, see me just as i want to present myself, strong silent and without a flaw worth mentioning. in reality, i spiraling down to my next use and not able to let go of my ego enough to ask for the help i so desperately need. which just may come from one of my peers, in the form of friendly feedback or a snide aside.
round and round and down the drain i go!
it is a good thing, that most of the time, i accept that i am far from being the man i want to be. that the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery is for me to stay clean and yes have the best life i possibly can have. and that i have the FREEDOM to ask others what is wrong with me, and take their insight and apply it to my life.
i have gone on long enough, so i guess i will get up. shower off and be present for what today may bring, it is a great day to walk in the FREEDOM from active addiction, consequences and all.

∞ DT ∞