Blog entry for:

i can start living in the solution. the rub here, is what is the problem in the first place!
when i came to recovery, nothing was my fault, and everyone was out to get me. my perception of harm, was way over the top. IF you did not do what i wanted, than you were harming me. if i did something to you, that caused harm, well that was your fault as well, “see what you made me do,” was on of my most frequent refrains.
i am more than a bit scattered writing this morning, and time to return top my focus, namely who really harmed whom and what is this about feeling worthy of self love. as i stay clean, and by the way, non-prescribed use of steroids is not in my opinion, staying clean, i have come toi be taught that if i do not love myself, how can i express my love for anyone else. it is no different than trying to form a long-term relationship, be it friendship or something more, before i begin to know who i am. i am digressing and moving off topic, in a very planned and calculated manner. it seems when i do not feel comfortable thinking about something, i am good at diverting myself.
feeling worthy of loving myself. that is quite a tricky proposition. when i was using, i would look to how i felt and be certain that i not only loved myself, i was also worthy of everyone else loving me too. so when i came to recovery, the differences between what i felt and what i thought i felt, were exposed for the lies they were. in the light of step work and my struggles to stay clean, i got to see that reality was not at all what i thought it was, especially as i began to chart the internal regions of my emotional responses to the world around me. i was told, that i needed to have my ego destroyed and left as a smoldering hulk, if i were ever to rise above the life of an active addict. that process, while still ongoing, is one of the most painful that i have ever gone through and there are certainly days, when i wonder is it really worth it. today, to my great fortune, is not one of those days. i feel i am well compensated for the work i do for my employer. i feel loved by my family and the person i am spending my life with and more importantly i have the ability to learn from my mistakes as well as the mistakes of others and find a path to detaching, and yes forgiving them of what i think they did to me.
not everything is about me these days, no matter how much i want it to be. do i feel worth loving? that is the ultimate question this morning. there are still more than a few behaviors, and attitudes that i practice that need to be changed. there are more than a few human traits that are still exaggerated into a mockery of average human behavior, that have yet to be removed. and here it comes, that old fall back rationalization, i am after all, just another addict, and by no means on my way to sainthood. so with that said, how can i possibly be anywhere close to feeling worth being loved? for me, i have to look at it in a relative manner. how much closer am i, to becoming the man i never dreamt i would be? based on that judgement, today i am certainly worth loving myself, just as i am, knowing damn well that more is yet to come, IF i choose to continue to walk the path of recovery before me.
quick commute today, as i get to work from home. it is a great day to be clean and i am grateful i had the chance to focus and get this done.

∞ DT ∞