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so once again i have to think about the difference in priority of forgiving others and receiving forgiveness from others. some days it is nearly impossible for me to be forgiving, i mouth the words but inside i cringe and say ‘yeah right as if...’
i know that i am capable of being worthy of forgiving myself and i probably am worthy of being forgiven, the problem comes in the form of my actions toward forgiving your transgressions. when i came into this whole gig, i was certain that there was a conspiracy to keep me miserable, without ambition, and barely surviving the slings and arrows of life. and because of this conspiracy, i believed all my actions were not only rational but justified. needless to say, i was more than a bit pissed-off at the world and all the people in it! my perception was that no one ever forgave me, so it was not part of my behavior to forgive anyone else.
and i never asked for forgiveness, i may have mouthed the words but i never truly believed i could do wrong so it was merely an accommodation to get what i wanted -- approval, sex, money or drugs.
the process of working a few steps, listening to others in recovery and hanging around long after the desire to use had left me, created a state inside where first i had to learn to forgive myself, than forgive others, not exactly the order that is suggested in the reading this morning, but i have always been a bit backwards in things. the truth was that i needed to learn that i was worth being forgiven and that process left me with the need to forgive others and learn how to behave better.
i would love to say that like some sort of saint that i instantly forgive everyone from the driver who just cut me off in traffic, to my friends and family members without a second thought. that would not only be a slight exaggeration but a flat out lie. i am better at forgiving others because i feel the need for being forgiven. i have learned that the need for forgiveness is universal and the only way i can feel worth being forgiven is to forgive others, one person, one slight, one behavior at a time and really mean it. i know that resentments will kill this addict, and i no longer have the desire to walk through life with anger constantly bubbling inside. the only method i have found for releasing that anger is to start to forgive the object of my resentment to the best of my ability today. that process allows me to forgive myself and to be worth being forgiven.
and for this addict that is the path to freedom from a life full of remorse and devoid of people who love and care for me. and actually that is all i ever really wanted -- to love and be loved and today i am worth all that and more!
∞ DT ∞