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and the difficult times of my recovery.
this morning, what i heard when i quieted down and listened was a feeling of some of the lengths, some of my peers will go, to treat various pieces of their addiction. for me, i have a one stop shop, to treat my whole person, namely the program of recovery i have found in the fellowship that has given me mu current life. part of the denial process i came to this journey with was that somehow, i could separate myself into pieces and treat each piece separately. as i learned what i was, an addict, and that addiction, was not just a part of me, it was me, i learned to integrate myself, back into a whole person, addiction and all. the notion that addiction affects all of me, not not just the uncontrolled use of drugs, was a rude awakening, but was necessary for me to move forward. sure a pint of Ben and Jerry's makes me feel good, but the consequences of binge eating makes me feel worse in the long run. the same principle, when applied to accumulating stuff is also in effect. when i spend money on something new, bright and shiny to change the way i am feeling, i am acting out on the part of me i call addiction. binge spending is no different in my mind than just a little sumthin', sumthin' to keep my mind off of what is really going on inside of me. a budget is just a financial diet, it does not mean i stop spending, it just means that i take the impulsiveness out of my spending habits and learn to spend in a healthy manner. the word budget and diet, conjure up draconian measures for me, even though neither word needs to have “draconian”l connotations. in fact the word diet, in its primary definition has nothing to do with denying myself anything. nor does the wait for it, when i share the rose-colored version of my life in recovery, i am in fact putting myself on a sharing diet, using the definition of draconian, spartan denial. recovery, for me after the first six months, has not been about denying myself any of the pleasures of living in the real world. once i accepted that treating addiction as a separate entity, instead of part of who i am, this way of living became much easier for me. i am not a step technician, but i could be called a step Nazi, as i believe that if i want everything this life has to offer me, all i have to do is work the very next step. self-acceptance leads me to a place where i need to alter my feelings with outside stuff, less and less. the path oi have been given, allow me to be whoever i want to be and as my own true will for myself is revealed, i can take the action that i need to, to realize that vision.
anyhow, i got to run off to Boulder and earn my daily bread. being a slave wage is not so onerous, when i realize that much of the responsibility i had when i worked for myself has been taken away from me. that too, is a gift of recovery.

∞ DT ∞