Some memes

out of love, concern, self-respect or out of fear? this is one of the most ironic questions i can ask myself. when i was using, in mere recovery and even in early recovery, i would have to answer it was always for love -- the love of myself, as i was certainly fearless. my denial prevented me from grasping that i did not love myself and that almost all the decision i made were from the abject fear that i was not getting that to which i was entitled. these days i get so pissed off at seeing others grasping for whatever they seem to think they are entitled to, that i have tom pause and examine the nature of what is driving that feeling. after i hit the “pause button” i can see that is goes back to the insanity wrought by the fear of not getting mine. i am once again playing that zero sum game where whatever anyone else has, will be denied to me, even i if earn it. certainly more than enough of a start on the current nature of my insanity, especially when it comes to the whole reason i feel the need to be on my “middle finger salute” diet.
when i sort through all that garbage that arise from the depths, when this fear gets turned on full-force, i see all the feedback loops that feed this fear, hence my anger. i do not like to be uncomfortable and my learned reaction to being uncomfortable is to move into anger, most of the time displaced and certainly well on my way to rage. the idea that i can pause and consider whether or not i am acting out from FEAR, is one i have grasped on to, since the first time i actually worked STEP SEVEN and learned that i could respond, rather than react.'once upon a time, i believed that i could never change and the HOPE i got in my very first SECOND STEP felt more like wishful thinking.
today as i consider where i am today, the HOPE i am starting to feel, as i allow STEP TWO to work me over, is that i never have to choose to live in the FEAR of not getting. there is enough in these days to be fearful of, and i do not need to pile on the irrational fears that come from living in desire, self-will and over-entitlement. it is not as if i will be relieved overnight from these symptoms addiction, as it has been a long and grueling road to get to this point. no the HOPE i am finding is that i will learn to feel when i am living in this state and choose to find a different manner in which to interact with the world around me, in the present tense. i feel that my life these days is too precious to waste on living in my head about what i am not getting and that i would be better served using what i have to make my life as comfortable, stable and enjoyable as i possibly can. that may not make me “happy” but it will drive me towards being content, which i am coming to see is a state of being that is far more reachable than the elusive “happy.” perhaps, i will come to believe that being content with my life is equivalent to being happy, just for today.

∞ DT ∞