βΌ that first freedom: the release from my compulsion to use, βΌ
Posted: Sun, Aug 10, 2014 09:48:31 AM
has grown into a life full of freedom. the reading this morning and the consequent feelings and thoughts that arouse during my quiet time and the events after that reminds me of this passage from A Tale of Two Cities:
it was the best of times,
it was the worst of times,
it was the age of wisdom,
it was the age of foolishness,
it was the epoch of belief,
it was the epoch of incredulity,
it was the season of Light,
it was the season of Darkness,
it was the spring of hope,
it was the winter of despair,
why, one may wonder, and the answer is quite simply i have two friends that were once a part of my life, who have chosen to absent themselves from my life that may be moving in opposite directions. i will not cast a judgement on which way i think is towards freedom and which towards imprisonment, but i will say this, neither are currently as free as i am.
i forget what a relief it was when the compulsion to use was lifted from me, after all it was so long ago. in fact i was so not present for my life, that i totally missed the event when it occurred. as i have shared before, it was six months of that freedom, before i realized i had it. these days i am a bit more present, but being present does not necessarily mean that i remember how it felt to HAVE TO use every single day. these days it feels like a bad dream, and the life of FREEDOM that i have been given in recovery, is the only life i have ever known. ironically, i cast judgements on those who have chosen to turn their backs on this freedom, when i too, could go to that exact place, with all of the same motivations, justifications, rationalizations and excuses. which brings me back to the duality i feel today. i am stuck between seeing the misery of my life, and seeing the joy. i use the word ennui to describe how i have been feeling, and while that term is appropriate, it does not quite do the trick. i was stuck in this grey place, that i once felt in active addiction. actually i was in this place most of the time. back in the day, i could not hardly name it, much less describe it, so i called it my grey days. the grey days could be and were fixed in an instant, some of my most intense using came during a bout of grey days. today, or at least until up to the time i saw my sponse, i was in a similar spot, cynical and blind to the joy that my life had. giving but incapable of receiving. putting my needs, wishes and desires behind everyone else, in a misguided attempt to be spiritual. as a result, i was sliding into a pit of misery, similar to those that my two friends felt, when they decided to take a different path. i am not pretending to know how they felt or what they were thinking, i just know what i have been feeling and what i attributed to my “crazy days.” what has changed is me. as a result of an assignment given to me by my sponse, i am now actively looking for the joy in my life, and having very little trouble finding it. i am also giving myself permission to look at my rewards and determine whether or not it is worth it, for me, regardless of how it looks to anyone else.
life is, well interesting today. i have no side jobs to do, no appointments with any sponsees and no commitments to the house, home or hearth. i do have a commitment to myself and Daisy to keep, as the morning wears on, but other than that, i do believe i will sit back and accomplish very little, and ENJOY THE FVCK out of that state of being! it is a good day to be clean and just for right now, no strings to bind me.
it was the best of times,
it was the worst of times,
it was the age of wisdom,
it was the age of foolishness,
it was the epoch of belief,
it was the epoch of incredulity,
it was the season of Light,
it was the season of Darkness,
it was the spring of hope,
it was the winter of despair,
why, one may wonder, and the answer is quite simply i have two friends that were once a part of my life, who have chosen to absent themselves from my life that may be moving in opposite directions. i will not cast a judgement on which way i think is towards freedom and which towards imprisonment, but i will say this, neither are currently as free as i am.
i forget what a relief it was when the compulsion to use was lifted from me, after all it was so long ago. in fact i was so not present for my life, that i totally missed the event when it occurred. as i have shared before, it was six months of that freedom, before i realized i had it. these days i am a bit more present, but being present does not necessarily mean that i remember how it felt to HAVE TO use every single day. these days it feels like a bad dream, and the life of FREEDOM that i have been given in recovery, is the only life i have ever known. ironically, i cast judgements on those who have chosen to turn their backs on this freedom, when i too, could go to that exact place, with all of the same motivations, justifications, rationalizations and excuses. which brings me back to the duality i feel today. i am stuck between seeing the misery of my life, and seeing the joy. i use the word ennui to describe how i have been feeling, and while that term is appropriate, it does not quite do the trick. i was stuck in this grey place, that i once felt in active addiction. actually i was in this place most of the time. back in the day, i could not hardly name it, much less describe it, so i called it my grey days. the grey days could be and were fixed in an instant, some of my most intense using came during a bout of grey days. today, or at least until up to the time i saw my sponse, i was in a similar spot, cynical and blind to the joy that my life had. giving but incapable of receiving. putting my needs, wishes and desires behind everyone else, in a misguided attempt to be spiritual. as a result, i was sliding into a pit of misery, similar to those that my two friends felt, when they decided to take a different path. i am not pretending to know how they felt or what they were thinking, i just know what i have been feeling and what i attributed to my “crazy days.” what has changed is me. as a result of an assignment given to me by my sponse, i am now actively looking for the joy in my life, and having very little trouble finding it. i am also giving myself permission to look at my rewards and determine whether or not it is worth it, for me, regardless of how it looks to anyone else.
life is, well interesting today. i have no side jobs to do, no appointments with any sponsees and no commitments to the house, home or hearth. i do have a commitment to myself and Daisy to keep, as the morning wears on, but other than that, i do believe i will sit back and accomplish very little, and ENJOY THE FVCK out of that state of being! it is a good day to be clean and just for right now, no strings to bind me.
∞ DT ∞
so as a post script, a little something to make the duality of my nature and the allusions i made about them complete. a bit of synchronicity as it were:
It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known.