Blog entry for:

pattern of living includes doing for myself, what i can do for myself, BUT allowing myself to ask for help when i need assistance. one thing that keeps puzzling me, is why someone would choose a sedentary lifestyle when they might be able to extend their freedom with a bit of effort. i understand today that big part of my reluctance to move on to a spiritual path that actually “fit” was inertia, which is just a fancy way to say i was spiritually lazy. i was staying clean and aping the what i thought were the thoughts of my peers on this whole notion of a HIGHER POWER, was certainly the easier softer way. everything in the program is set-up to follow that path, from the language used in all the written materials of the fellowship to which i belong, to the “wisdom” passed down by my predecessors. it only followed that was the path i “should” follow.
i can say without any caveats or hesitation that, living by rote was not working for me, and probably never worked very well for me. before following my heart. meditation was a chore that lasted at most five to seven minutes a day. the positive aspect of my living by rote was that i became habituated to a daily rhythm of recovery that led to where i am today. i do understand why the easier softer path is the direction some choose to take, as i “volunteered” to be locked in a narrow spiritual space, that was increasingly growing uncomfortable and stifling. i longed for a fresh spiritual wind and letting go of my need of approval and desire to be like everyone else, in this instance, freed me from my self-made prison and broke the chains that fastened me to a concept that was not one i could really “get.”
as the rhythm of my daily existence has expanded past the five minutes of twitching and wishing i could get something out of the effort, i find myself amazed on how little energy it took to actually change the direction i was traveling in. even the laziest bone in my body was hardly disturbed by finding something that worked and now, as i sit on a daily basis, i find that i am grateful that at least i did as i was told, even though it barely worked for me. oh, i should acknowledge that spiritually it may not have been working, but i did stay clean and grow into a place where i could face the disasters of my past and forgive those who perpetrated them on me. it also gave me the wherewithal to take care of myself and change the direction i was going in the realm of my physical fitness. i may not be doing anything to extend the quality of life i am enjoying today, but if things get worse, at least i can look back with zero regrets and know that i took care of myself, physically, emotionally and spiritually. i can allow myself the freedom to make the effort to avoid the inertia of doing what everyone else does, or worse doing nothing to improve my lot in life.

∞ DT ∞