Blog entry for:

to the recovery i enjoy today. okay, so there may be a few rainbows and daisies here today, BEWARE!
so with convention in town this weekend, i am wondering if it is really worth paying the price of admission, i spend very little time there, do not go to the late night activities and have a boatload of stuff to get done before the end of the month. what does this have to do with being grateful for my poast> well it was sixteen years ago, give or take a week or two, that i finally heard that i need no longer be redundant, sprinkle my prayers with THEEs, THYs and THOUs, and venerate the founders of a twelve step fellowship. it was sixteen years ago, that i finally heard the message that it was not what and how much i used, that was the problem. it was sixteen years ago, i finally accepted that spreading myself across two fellowships was not conducive to my recovery and sooner or later i would use, unless i chose one or the other. yes i have seventeen years clean, but it took 13 months to reach this jumping off point,m and my experience in that first year or so, has shaped the kind of recovery i have today.
most of those who got clean and sober with me, are long gone, while most of my peers who got clean with me, are still doing the gig. none of my peers i went to treatment with, are clean today, in fact i run into one of them from time to time, in the course of my service work, or hanging out in the shopping center near where i work and yet, treatment is part of my story and allowed me a head start to learning the language of recovery, when i was forced into the rooms. my struggle with coming to believe and discard my notion of a people-pleasing HIGHER POWER concept, shapes my FAITH today. i too, could have chosen an easier softer and far more popular spiritual path, but i am certain that i would not be a member today. so why am i so torn about whether or not i should spend some money and pay for convention this weekend, after all, here in this region, this is the major source of funds to carry the message to the still suffering addict. this is also the place where my recovery started, so by trying to get away with not paying my way, i am actually telling myself it is okay to be less than self-supporting, but that will come back to bite me severely in the butt!
no it really is up to me, to pay my way, celebrate with my peers and be a part of the activities instead of bury myself in the isolation of work, work, work. who knows, there may be someone just like me, that is waiting to hear that there is a way out and it need not be all that complex. someone may need to hear that the HIGHER POWER that pervades the rooms, is NOT the necessarily the Christian version and need not be approached on my knees and in a grovelling manner. there just may be someone that needs to hear, that i am grateful for Jimmy K, having the desire to bring a different program to life, but do not worship him like some sort of saint. most importantly, there may be someone only i can reach, that NEEDS to know, that what they used is NOT important, this was of living only starts with abstinence and ends up encompassing everything that i am today. i may just be the a$$hole that tells them that two diseases -> 2 bucks and they understand for the first time, that we can and do recover. after all, that is what made me what i am today, an addict in recovery.

∞ DT ∞