Blog entry for:

involves overcoming fear.
so, as i asked a sponsee this weekend, what is the difference between being FEARLESS and having COURAGE? he paused and then answered the question to the best of his ability. that question arose in my mind this morning, unbidden and certainly not very welcomed. as i sit here, trying to pound out what i feel, i come back to the question at hand. for me, FEARLESS means to be devoid of FEAR. when i am in the state of being FEARLESS, i have no FEAR and act accordingly, whether or not that is a prudent course of action. in active addiction, i achieved that state with a little dose of this or that, so i could face the day, the next challenge or the feelings that i was sure to be having in the next few minutes. i lied to myself and had myself convinced that i was brave,m because i was in a state of chemically induced, perpetual FEARLESSNESS. COURAGE, to shift back into the here and now, is seeing FEAR, acknowledging that i am afraid, and moving forward anyhow, in full knowledge of the consequences, negative or positive, at least as far as i can see them, as my crystal ball was sent to the pawn shop, a long, long time ago, and it is not coming back.
yes, doing what i NEED to do, to move forward in my life, can be frightening, especially if what i am contemplating is something huge, and yet, there are times, when i can just intuitively take that first step towards change, without any hesitation, such as last fall when i accepted this new job, thinking that the money i would be getting would overcome any apprehensions i had about what i would be doing. the money is nice, but the work? well the jury seems to be coming back with the conviction that maybe i would have been happier staying where i was, doing heads down development instead of troubleshooting and production support. so yes, there is a regret or two, but what i have decided is to with this flow, stop looking for the next greener pasture and do my heads down development on my own websites and become very proficient in the latest tools and methods.
the change that will be manifest in my life,. is a bit of acceptance about where i am going, and a bit of perseverance to be ready for the next change that happens to come barreling down the pike for me and my career. which brings me to the topic of the recalcitrant retreads. i have two of those in my life these days,. and both seem to be saying that THIS TIME, they are really ready to be the “blank slates” that they need to be. and yet most of me, doubts that this time will be any different from the others, as i see no real desire to change anything within either one of them. yes that is a judgement, severe and maybe baseless, i am using that judgment to justify my behaviors, because i am afraid of getting hurt, once again. if i keep my distance, i can be safe and give of myself to someone else. the scream i hear when i go down that path, is who the fVck do i think i am? when i see that my behaviors are a reaction my FEAR, i certainly can alter the path i have embarked upon. dopes that mean i will run out and invest anything in their recovery, they are unwilling to invest for themselves? not this time. i will watch, i will embrace, and i will give away freely, without conditions that which was given to me. i will not enable, nor will i allow them to abdicate their responsibility to me, as i have done in the past, and if they get this, this time, i will allow them the joy of being successful at something they have been trying to do, for quite some time.
what action does that mean i need to take? write a letter, give a hug and welcome them back into the fold. the hour grows late, and i do have places to go, responsibilities to meet and on and on and on. it is a good day to be clean and accept that i DO have FEAR, and instead of tricking myself into be FEARLESS, wlak through it with just a little dose of COURAGE.

∞ DT ∞