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than i have to simply because what is familiar feels safer than the unknown. certainly a topic ripe for expanding upon this morning. for me, it has already been a frustrating day, and i have yet to get at the work i brought home for the weekend. so it goes. i have heard it said, and have actually said it myself, that i do not do this recovery gig to be miserable. i have a friends, who never got out of their misery, and are now out doing this and that or planning to in the very near future, and i wonder what it is they did or did not do, to let go of their pain and misery. a corollary question, is why i have learned to let go of mine and allow this program of recovery work in my life. i am not, after all, any different, more spiritual or less fear based than they are, and yet, for the most part, i am happy to be here and do whatever it takes to stay a member of the “no matter what club.” okay, where was i? oh yeah, why is it that i no longer accept that change is a necessary component for growth and allow myself to be changed by the program, and others do not? it is true, that part of me likes to look good, and the still suffering cloak, is one that i can wear well. after all, being a member of the still suffering, entitles me to all sorts of attention and makes me the center of the universe. after all, since i DESERVE to be in the rooms,due to my battles with active addiction, i am therefore ENTITLED to wear my misery well, and allow all those who see me, to try and relieve me of my misery, one way or another. quite a line of bullsh!t, and i am not saying that is how anyone else looks at it, but as the aphorism goes, “if the shoe fits…”
the actual truth is, that i DESERVED every bit of misery i get, because i am the one who creates it. by staying in situations, because i lack the balls to try something new, is most often the reason for my misery. i know all about living in FEAR, as i worked a fear-based program for quite some time. i also know that growing enough balls, to have a bit of courage to change is far different than forcing my will into a situation that is not changing fast enough. there is no fine line of demarcation here, just a simple test, is this working for me or is it not. will i be putting myself out on the job market any time soon? not hardly, as i am far from miserable at my current position. will i be seeking a new relationship of living arrangements? nope, i am happy, serene and more than content here. will i be changing my current service commitments or the meetings that i regularly attend? quite possibly as both of those pieces of my recovery, are not quite working for me, today. is there fear about me doing so? fVck YEAH! nevertheless, as i grow, it is sometimes time to let go, reset my routine and see where the new path leads me, and this week it just may be to Lafayette on Tuesday night. more will certainly be revealed as the week grinds on. what i do know today is that i have a POWER that fuels my recovery, and IF i am awake and present enough, i will be given the opportunity to get whatever it is that i need today, and all i deserve is that opportunity and not that outcome.

∞ DT ∞