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self-loathing, and hatred, the litany of what may drive me to uncertainty could go on and on, and yet, as the reading suggests, they are certainly hard for me to let go of, they are after all, what i know. it has ended up being that the major locus for change in this step cycle for me, is the social aspect of my life. once upon a time, i had the ways and means to keep the newest of the new, from interrupting my apparently serene life. some of what i did was conscious choice, some was just skills polished for so long, in active addiction, and in recovery as well, that i managed to be cactus-like enough, to keep them at their distance. sadly, it was because i told myself the lie about being broken, but the truth was, that they were far too chaotic, and although i came to recovery loving to be the center of chaos i set off, i loathed being drawn into the chaos of others. the realization that the story i manufactured, to rationalize that behavior, was not anything close to the truth, struck me at the core and started a process of change that is ongoing today.
this is not one of those, if i only knew then what i know today, sort of exercises, in fact, even though i feel as if i am sailing into the open ocean without a good chronograph and compass, i am okay today. quite honestly, this social retard, is mostly afraid of what comes from being socially connected, i mean seriously, people expect things when one becomes connected. and what if i cannot live up to their expectations? the story goes on from there. if i cannot meet their expectations then they will dislike, shun and gossip about me. when i discover that is happening, i will withdraw from the support community of my local fellowship and end up in a gutter somewhere with a needle in my arm , living in a cardboard box, eating out of the abundant waste that is pitched into the local dumpsters. it is quite illustrative of the type of extremist i am, all of a sudden i go from connected to derelict, with little in between and yet, i can tell that story, because i have already told myself that story, over and over again.
when i hear that story in my head, the pain of self-imposed solitary confinement, does not seem all that bad. in fact, that seems like a small price to pay for my serenity and yes my recovery. all of a sudden, i am back into that place of feeling lonely in a room full of people who love me, and looking for a quick exit. either way i lose.
FEAR, UNCERTAINTY and DOUBT, at their finest.
now that i spun my tale of woe, where is the HOPE?
the HOPE lies in the fact, that i need not believe those stories, that i am not so important that people will talk constantly about me, and that if i want to be respected, pounding the crap out of someone, will not gain me any respect. no i need to walk into the rooms, head high shoulders back and be okay with who i am, and respectful of my friends, peers and acquaintances, even if they are not my favorite person at the time. i get to write a new story today, that the risks i take becoming connected and allowing others to connect to me. are worth the possibility, that i may get burned. the pay-off, as it were, is that i get more people in my life, to support me in this journey and more importantly i get to be secure in who and what i am. i love when people misuse the term “haters,” because it reminds me that i can dismiss everyone who disagrees or disrespects me, with a single pass of my hand. by labeling and categorizing them, i am essentially dismissing them, it really is that easy, once again, creating a narrative that fits the version of reality i need to sell to myself today.. just for today, i want to stop creating stories based on why i think others behave the way they do, and see the world with just a tad more clarity and in sharper focus. the smoke and mirrors of denial, rationalizations and justifications, need to be a little less present in my life, and that can and will happen, if i just let go and accept that change is inevitable, i might accept and surrender to that fact of life.

∞ DT ∞