Blog entry for:

looking back on what i wrote a year ago, i see how bleak and dreary i made my existence before recovery sound. as i sit here this morning, i realize that description \\was not that far off the mark. for me, i am as apt look at my life with total non-euphoric recall and make it look worse than it really was, all the while living in the romantic notion of how good it was to use. the truth, of course, lies somewhere in between, and as i stay clean, day after day, i see that memories of how i felt, are among the most malleable and seem to be often revised to fit how i want to look at a period of time. after some time clean, i begin to wonder what the truth may have really been.
i know these facts, i HAD to use every single day and at the time i thought it was a choice. the fact is, that if i did not get high, i was miserable and miserable to be around. the fact is, my life consisted of work, TV and petty crimes. the fact is, that even when i was doing something exciting and way off my well-trodden trail, i still had to get high, in fact i thought getting high enhanced those experiences. the fact is, i was alone, lonely and had little to any hope for any change ion my situation. i figured i would drift along, aided by chemical bliss and fade into obscurity, as i aged poorly and became one of those old men, who lived in the past and wondered where the money for their next can of tuna was going to come from.
today, i am alive and a full participant in my life, and there are certainly times when i think going back to those days would be a relief, at least no one expected anything of me, especially me. now i have ambition, i am consumed at times by desire, i have bills to pay, people to be present for, a job that i need to perform and i plethora of responsibilities and obligations that i had little clue even existed.
today, i am grateful to be alive and even when addiction fills me with the desire for more, i know that there is an out, and that out does not come in a needle, bottle or a pipe. when i feel overwhelmed, a quick dip into the quiet of meditation often provides the relief i once sought through my chemical romance. when i feel stressed out, a quick inventory allows me the freedom to realize i CHOOSE this life, i could just as easily be living in a dumpster on the beach in Hawaii. when i feel rushed or hurried, a quick reality check, can turn off the impatience switch and allow me the freedom to be a few minutes later than i wanted to be. for everything that i now have, that i once lacked, i NEED to express a bit of gratitude for, after all, when i got here, i was an empty shell of a person, living the zombie-like life of active addiction. only it was your love and respect i wanted, not your brains ☺!
so as i prepare to get up and set-up for work today, i can be a bit grateful, that just for today, i do have a new way of living, and that way of living is beyond my wildest dreams.

∞ DT ∞