Blog entry for:

IF i actively seek to be healthy, loving, contributing parts of my own life and the lives of others around me.
well that major paragraph boiled down nicely to fit.
so what was i like when i lived life like a ghost, flitting in and out of the lives of others, haunting them, taking what i NEEDED never contributing anything of substance, or being available for them emotionally? honestly i do not have a clue, you would have to ask them. i do know what it was like for me. my emotionally ethereal experience was one of survival for me. i did not dare to get tied down by anyone or anything in an emotional sense, else they would see me for what i was -- a person who only pretended to have any substance, intelligent and clever, but lacking any depth at all. although i had a very physical presence, and a mostly adverse effect on those who provided me with those things i needed to be sustained, i did my best to make sure that i was not tied to any of those people in any manner. this included my family as well as anyone else who believed that the trappings of a long-term relationship were more than smoke and mirrors.
so what happened? well i was forced to make a decision to recover or die. although that sounds a bit dire, it was basically where i was slightly over nine years ago. i had a choice to make and i decided to return from the half-life ghostly existence of active addiction and reenter the world as a fully participating member. i acknowledged that perhaps i had a problem with using substances, that i might be powerless over their use, and that i might just want to find a new manner in which to live. that line of thought, at least anchored me to the earth again and started a process that continues to this day. i still want to haunt the lives of those around me, instead of participating fully. i still want to run from the consequences of my actions instead of practicing a daily tenth step and owning those responsibilities. i still wish to resist the will of my HIGHER POWER, and i still do not want to carry these spiritual principles into all of my affairs. BUT, (and it is a big one), if i want to continue to get the rewards and gifts of life on the material plane, than i must continue to do the spiritual work that this program requires -- one day at a time. no i do not do it perfectly or effortlessly today, but as time passes and i do my best every day, i do it with more ease and with less thought than i ever thought was possible. i GET to be a part of the lives of those people around me, not just some wraith who’s passing is felt with great relief. and that is more than enough reward for doing the next right thing, no matter what, at least right here and right now. so time to slide off to what happened under all the snow!

∞ DT ∞