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i GOT to share my story last night to a very small crowd and it did not go as long as it usually does. for the most part, when called upon to share, i certainly can fill a forty-five minute slot, with very little effort and yet last night i felt done after thirty-five. perhaps it was the fact that it was mostly newcomers and one “visitor” from the other side, or that i did not have days upon days to “prepare.” more than likely, i just ran out of things to say. one of the members in attendance, however, who actually has some time clean, spoke to my tendency to focus on this less than perfect parts of my recovery, as an “positive” message. what i shared was true, honest and heartfelt last night and in the postmortem analysis during my daily inventory, i saw that as rambling, disjunctive and brief as it was, it still was who i am, and where i am at today.
i chose the seed for this blog with great care this morning, because when i came to recovery, i was certainly living life as a ghost, or at least doing my best impression of being a ghost. i had nothing to show for my life: no car, few acquaintances and fewer friends, no savings, no relationships other than the ones i was born into, no ambition, no dreams, and no desire to do anything but get high. i made little impression on the world, except for what i took, and i took plenty, as wraith-like as i was, i could not see anything wrong with the way of life i was living, as all of my adult life, i was all about getting the ways and means to get high and saw nothing wrong with that manner of living, it simply just was.
these days, i feel, i dream, i love, i am loved, i respect others, and actually respect myself. this whole game of applying power, by not working steps, is a dangerous one for me, and yet i merrily traipse along that path, blithely ignoring that risk to the life i have been given, just like my life in those “bad old days.” i look to my peers and see that they seem to be okay, as they “pause” in their recovery programs, so why worry, after all, i have more than a few days clean. i take for granted the new life and the new manner of living that i have earned and forget that it was not given to me on a silver platter, i had to do the work and accept the offerings my peers were giving me. that too, just is. this morning as i hear the echoes oif what i left unsaid in my head, i guess i need to wrap this up and move along into work. it is a good day to be clean and yes, perhaps today i will do something to foster this new manner of living, other than the daily routine i have established.

∞ DT ∞