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this reading starts off with a cash register honesty example. do i keep the wrong change, or do i give it back? in the beginning, that was a good example of how far my honesty had grown. in truth, i would have never thought twice about keeping that extra change, after all, i did NOT ask for it, the store could cover that loss, and if not than oh well, maybe they should hire a math major to make change. someone else's honest mistake became my windfall and my day was that much brighter at the expense of another, one of my favorite all-time scenarios. honesty for me today means just a little bit more. lately i have been feeling ennui with the program, my life and the world around me and i want to shake it up a bit. how that may look, is what i need to be honest with myself about and what i am feeling needs to be explored.
across the course of the next four days, i have three service commitments. i am willing to serve, and it just ended up that way, partly because i needed to trade, partly because this month every other week and the first Thursday are in he same week. most of the time, this does not bother me, as my attachment is fairly minimal, and i get so much more out of doing the service, than i get by running away and isolating. when i am in a funk, all of a sudden, service, especially going out of my way to carry the message, seems like an overwhelming burden, and i wonder how the other 85% manage their lives and serve their communities. than i remember, for the most part, they do not. the percentage of those who serve their greater community in the “normal” world is probably about the same as those who serve in the recovery community. so IF i was a member of that world no one would think twice if i did not volunteer to serve my community. more importantly, i would not think twice about it. i could be oblivious to the needs of others, run through life thing that someone else should help out and blithely curse when no one does. which brings me back to the point, IF I LIVED IN THE NORMAL WORLD.
that seems to be the them,e of my thoughts lately and certainly what is really going on, ENVY of life in the other 85%. that drags me back kicking and screaming to a very poignant fact of my life, i can NEVER be part of that other 85%, no matter how long i stay clean, how many step cycles i work, how long my service resumé happens to be, or how many time i carry the message of recovery. i NEED to feel my FIRST STEP, and readmit this morning that being an addict, is what i am. i can be an addict in recovery, in abstinence, in active addiction or using uncontrollably, but i will always be an addict. looking at that thought through the lens of the SECOND STEP, it is insane to believe that i will ever be normal, and tall the trappings that go around that start to melt away. so IF i am an addict, and can never be normal,. why am i so reluctant to let go of self-will and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, to care for my will and my life? that is where i have been stumbling and certainly where my discontent with my life is coming from. i want to actively pursue something different and i am not quite sure, what that different needs to be. i want to revert to an very familiar behavior pattern of shaking everything and everyone up and seeing what the new combination looks like, after all, in the end,. it is going to be everyone else's fault!
hey a little bit of honesty and i am already feeling the burden of service life. i serve because i choose to serve. i get benefits far beyond the hours i put in, and whether or not anyone acknowledges what i do, i know and i feel i am contributing something more to the ordered side of life, instead of fostering the chaos. do i really wan t to be a “normie?” the answer is not really, after all, here i find people who are like me and can teach me how to be something more than just another addict. they can teach me how to be the man i have always wanted to be, despite being an addict. i can a bit more honesty and become genuine, whole and self-aware, just for today.

∞ DT ∞