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the capacity to be honest? i always thought it was something that you either had or did not have. a binary kind of thing, either you can lie or you cannot. i was not a natural born liar nor was the trait of dishonesty inborn in me. so addiction progressed through my life, i developed a way to be dishonest. when i needed to lie, i learned that the edited truth was more than sufficient. i could make people believe that i was being honest by leaving out vital details from the truth. and it worked, no guilty conscience, i was telling most of the truth and i could rationalize away any nagging feelings of doubt that i had about what i said.
if a clerk gave me to much change, i rationalized it by thinking it was my lucky day. when i found something of value i rationalized it by thinking the person who lost it, did not want that item or they would have taken better care of holding on to it. and when i stole, i rationalized it by thinking it was from some big nameless corporation who was making way to much profit.
so my capacity to be dishonest grew as my ability to rationalize and edit the truth grew, and it seems now that it grew as my disease insidiously crept into all areas of my life. so why am i so surprised today as my capacity to be honest continues to grow? after all, i have not used in a few days, and i have worked a few steps, and continued to enjoy personal growth. all of those things counter the part of me i call my disease and steer me back towards the ideals i hold of value to myself. and recovery is taking back those areas of my life that my disease once controlled, so it does make sense that as recovery replaces disease, i become more honest on all levels.
so i think just for today, i will let my capacity to be honest grow just a bit more by doing the things i need to do today!

∞ DT ∞