Blog entry for:

doing many of the things i once did.
as i went through the day yesterday and received more information about what the sudden shift in my job situation will be, i regained a sense of serenity in the face of the uncertainty ahead. i went to a meeting last night and it was a wonderful experience, as it seems i had no expectation., it is true that those who shared, had some content to what they shared, but looking back through the lens of my emotions, those who shared on Tuesday probably did as well. what did not hear last night was s string of bumper stickers, lashed together in sad attempt to appear better than, nor the same old whine about the same old behavior and how that same old behavior keeps affecting one in the exact same manner. honestly, if i was that miserable, i would choose to do something different and not just sit on my fat a$$, play on my phone and pretend it was just going to magically go away. so i guess there is still a bit of disappointment that my expectations were not met two nights ago and that disappointment, as is often the case for me, turns into simmering anger, which of course, in my limited experience sooner or later becomes a resentment.
these days, i have moved beyond “cash register” honesty. the honesty i am learning to live with, is honestly being myself. that means i no longer feel the need to share about the base condition of being abstinent, as my recovery has become a bit more involved than that.i am clean, and have been clean for a few days in a row. in a sense i have graduated that phase of my recovery, because i find i need very little effort to stay clean these days. it is true when my new employers said there would be no background checks or per-employment drug screenings, at the little gathering in the mother-ship yesterday, my heart did skip a beat, i am after all, an addict. i however, did NOT stop at the first dispensary just “to look” at the wares being offered for legal consumption. in that moment i was reminded that i was an addict, but the obsession to use never took hold, and my desire to stay clean never vacated the premises. which solidifies two notions for me:

1. i am certainly, still an addict
2. and recovery certainly does work.

the fact that i chose to share about my reaction in the meeting last night as well as here in my daily brain drain, is ib=n and of itself, a symptom of how honesty has grown in my life.
so break out the guitars and start strumming along as i burst into a heartfelt rendition of Kum-By-Yah! 😆
making light of myself is also something i can be honest about today. long before i ever used, i was far too serious for my own good. decades of using, reinforced m,y tendency to be far too “deep,” when i actually had a very poor grasp on what it really meant to live in the real world. over time, i learned to play many roles, and having all the answers to all of life's questions, was one of the roles i played with aplomb. this last set of steps, has certainly shown me, that i have far more questions than answers, and pretending to be something i am not, is no longer a comfortable behavior. telling on myself and sharing what it means to be clean, long after the obsession to use has been lifted, is how i choose to carry the message to my friends, peers and the FNGs. when my peers focus on just staying clean no matter what, that is their message and i need not ascribe motives or judge the sincerity of what they are trying to give away. when they share nothing at all, save for a few platitudes and bon mots, i guess, sadly following a similar set of criteria, that is really all they have to offer as well. my task today, is to be myself. having been a poser, a liar, a cheat, a tourist, ne'er-do-well, a crusader, a defender of the FAITH and so much more, it is easier to just be Don and reflect what i am on the inside, on my outsides, just for today.

∞ DT ∞