โ i am not able to โ
Posted: Wed, Apr 20, 2016 07:32:41 AM
solve the problems my family members may have. well, not quite, some of the problems i certainly can and do offer a solution for, and can help them implement it. when it comes to addiction and addict-like behavior, well i am truly powerless there. in recent times, it was not the uncontrollable use of drugs that i had no power over and could only offer an example of how top move beyond that need. no that ship has sailed a long time ago, and yes there are family members who use in a very addict-like fashion, whether or not they are addicts, is not for me to say, all i can say is that i AM an addict and living a program of recovery has given me the greatest gift in my life, myself.
without airing all the dirt on my family, i can say this though, even the most “normal” of my family members can hide in denial, rationalization and justification, until the fire gets way to hot and violent to put out, leaving their projects and lives in ashes. does that family member “need” recovery? not really, what they needed was the opportunity to step away, take a very realistic look at what was going on and see that they could have stopped that fire in the very early stages and left with most of their stuff intact. it is true that one can step off the treadmill at any time, even after implementing heinous advice from a trusted family friend that drives one to ruin.
ah, but, a post-mortem analysis is almost always spot on. moving along from the should have done mode, what i see today and what i felt when i actually could calm down and listen, is that maybe while i cannot offer my family members my experience, strength and hope, i certainly can offer it up for the taking to my peers in recovery. one of the greatest lessons i have learned and perhaps it is what the multiple trips overt to 3200 Airport Road in Boulder is driving home, is that i do care, and i do have something to offer. even then, i am too close to the those i want to help, to help them, and i hate that it is those who i have yet to develop any sort of attachment to, that i am the most successful at helping out. perhaps that is the key here.
when i was using i was purposefully detached, even with my family. life was much easier for this using addict, when i did not have all sorts of emotional attachments all over the place. the wall of denial, rationalization and justification was easy to build and very cheap to maintain. i would have certainly said “life alone is grand.” my abstinent phase, saying all the correct phrases, doing what looked like the correct actions and showing up without being present; was not all that different. i was still a rock and an island, and the only attachments that i allowed myself to restore, were those with my immediate family. of course, they were all addicts and sick and need the program worse than me, after all, it had to be THEIR fault that i was in the jam i was in. when i finally came to recovery, the attachments i had worked so hard to maintain were threatening to overwhelm me. all of a sudden with eighteen months and a set of steps under my belt, i was starting to return to the human world and all sorts of emotional attachments and ties were beginning to form. that was when i finally saw what this reading was talking about. those i love the most are the very ones, i can help the least, that is UNTIL they ask for a solution. being a “fixer and solution” kind of guy, waiting to be asked for anything drove me nuts, and that behavior has yet to be totally removed from me. what has been removed from me, is the automatic part of that behavior. when i want to jump in and give unsolicited advice, fix something or make a comment that may not be well-received, i have to stop and ponder for a moment if i am making this offering to make myself feel or look better, or does it address a situation that requires some sort of solution. what i have uncovered is, that most of the time it is the former and not the latter, and i choose not to indulge in “Mr Fixit” mode, which is what i got out of this reading today.
i know that after the years of reading through this cycle, i can oft time repeat what i have said in the past, no matter how hard i try not to. today, i do not apologize for that, rather celebrate it, because there is a very good chance what i wrote last year or the year before is not what i wrote about this morning. there is after all, a bit of growth and learning to see beyond the words on the page and into my heart., is what i am all about today.
without airing all the dirt on my family, i can say this though, even the most “normal” of my family members can hide in denial, rationalization and justification, until the fire gets way to hot and violent to put out, leaving their projects and lives in ashes. does that family member “need” recovery? not really, what they needed was the opportunity to step away, take a very realistic look at what was going on and see that they could have stopped that fire in the very early stages and left with most of their stuff intact. it is true that one can step off the treadmill at any time, even after implementing heinous advice from a trusted family friend that drives one to ruin.
ah, but, a post-mortem analysis is almost always spot on. moving along from the should have done mode, what i see today and what i felt when i actually could calm down and listen, is that maybe while i cannot offer my family members my experience, strength and hope, i certainly can offer it up for the taking to my peers in recovery. one of the greatest lessons i have learned and perhaps it is what the multiple trips overt to 3200 Airport Road in Boulder is driving home, is that i do care, and i do have something to offer. even then, i am too close to the those i want to help, to help them, and i hate that it is those who i have yet to develop any sort of attachment to, that i am the most successful at helping out. perhaps that is the key here.
when i was using i was purposefully detached, even with my family. life was much easier for this using addict, when i did not have all sorts of emotional attachments all over the place. the wall of denial, rationalization and justification was easy to build and very cheap to maintain. i would have certainly said “life alone is grand.” my abstinent phase, saying all the correct phrases, doing what looked like the correct actions and showing up without being present; was not all that different. i was still a rock and an island, and the only attachments that i allowed myself to restore, were those with my immediate family. of course, they were all addicts and sick and need the program worse than me, after all, it had to be THEIR fault that i was in the jam i was in. when i finally came to recovery, the attachments i had worked so hard to maintain were threatening to overwhelm me. all of a sudden with eighteen months and a set of steps under my belt, i was starting to return to the human world and all sorts of emotional attachments and ties were beginning to form. that was when i finally saw what this reading was talking about. those i love the most are the very ones, i can help the least, that is UNTIL they ask for a solution. being a “fixer and solution” kind of guy, waiting to be asked for anything drove me nuts, and that behavior has yet to be totally removed from me. what has been removed from me, is the automatic part of that behavior. when i want to jump in and give unsolicited advice, fix something or make a comment that may not be well-received, i have to stop and ponder for a moment if i am making this offering to make myself feel or look better, or does it address a situation that requires some sort of solution. what i have uncovered is, that most of the time it is the former and not the latter, and i choose not to indulge in “Mr Fixit” mode, which is what i got out of this reading today.
i know that after the years of reading through this cycle, i can oft time repeat what i have said in the past, no matter how hard i try not to. today, i do not apologize for that, rather celebrate it, because there is a very good chance what i wrote last year or the year before is not what i wrote about this morning. there is after all, a bit of growth and learning to see beyond the words on the page and into my heart., is what i am all about today.
∞ DT ∞