Blog entry for:

that i hoped fool everyone else. unfortunately, the only one i fooled was myself!
man does this take me back to that last summer of active addiction. i have, however, gone there many times before, so i think today i will focus on the here and now. part of my recent STEP journey was becoming comfortable with who i am and where i am going. accepting that i cannot have the same sort of spirituality as most of my peers, was a big part of that journey. learning to share gracefully and respectfully about theirs and bringing mine into the same arena, was also a huge step for me. for myself and for my peers, learning to find the similarities rather than how freaking different i am. i may be a “godless heathen” and proud of that fact, that does not mean, that i need to hide behind that mask and sneer at my peers in recovery. that is a very familiar behavior and more like that summer of my discontent, and not my 19th summer clean. when i do share about my spiritual path, it is because one of my peers, is struggling to find theirs and they lack the strength and courage to step out of the comfortable box, that has been already provided by our shared culture.
most of what this set of steps has been about, at least what i am seeing today, is growing comfortable with who i am and how i see the world around me. as i grow more comfortable in that world, i become more social and outgoing and yes even likable. part of why i settled for accepting i was broken and in need of repair, was so that i had an excuse to maintain my differences. when i see my peers trying their best to put on airs and fronts, i understand, i sympathize and yes i empathize, as i certainly have been there. it was strange when a drunk dancer asked me the other night, why a friend loved me so much. she asked if he was my son, or related to me, and when i said no, she was more than a bit puzzled. explaining my relationship would have been far beyond where i wanted to go that evening, after all, it was all about playing a different part that night, the horn dawg, and i did it very well. having deep philosophical discussions in a gentlemen's club with one of the employees, who had more than a bit of sumthin', sumthin' was not part of my agenda. today, as i think back, i doubt i will be heading out for that activity again in the near future. or better put, i will not be the driving force and the organizer, that i will leave to someone else.
this morning, as i ponder what deceptions i am trying to pull off, i can see that where i have fear, i have a mask. i certainly do not want anyone else to see how scared, insecure or crazy i am. more and more i am seeing myself through the filter of who i want become and less through the filter of how others see me. watching others hide behind relationships, toys, status symbols, bravado and arrogance; takes me way back. once upon a time i was there and that once upon a time was not all that long ago. honestly i was flattered by all the attention i was given the other night, even though it was all about how much money they thought i was willing to spend. in the moment, the fantasy was incredibly powerful, after all, i am an human male addict in recovery, and part of me is hard-wired to feel good about getting attention, good or bad, anything but indifference. the illusion of that night, is just that an illusion. i had nothing to prove to anyone. and certainly not anything to prove to myself. i had fun, i got to play a role and most importantly i attached no judgement to the outcome.
living life as myself is a good thing these days and when i get to play a part, bit or not, i can relish the moment and move on. i need not be the most anything today or something i am not, no masks for me, today.

∞ DT ∞