Blog entry for:

i really am, even after decades clean and over a year after being freed from the pain o=f living a lie. across the course of that time, i left one job, got fired from another and am currently working on a contract that expires at the end of the year. i have been to Greece, Iceland and Ireland. i have gone through love-hate cycles with some of my family members and have shamed myself into believing that it was wrong not to “like” is love. looking at where i am this morning as i prepare to go trot out a 10K loop around the 'hood, i know that knowing that i still do not know a whole lot about who i am, is not a bad place to be, at least i am not Fucked-up Insecure Neurotic and Emotional.
all of that , while certainly wonderful, was not exactly what popped off the stack this morning. Lady Madonna by the Beatles, bubbled up from the depths, especially the line “see how they run…” at first i could not find any relevance in that particular earwig, but as i walked the dawg this morning, it came to me. i spent my life running from who i was, because i was certain that no one, even those who loved me, would not like me and i would end-up lonely, alone and spending my life distracting myself with TV and social media. i do not see the fact that i got fired from a job that was above my rusty skill level as a shaming event. it was not a bright and shiny moment in my for sure, BUT, it is part of who i am and the lessons i took from that experience have helped me to become a valuable member of the team of where i work today. running from who i am not, is not part of my daily response to life on its own terms. embracing who i am, precludes having to deal with who i am not and fostering who i am becoming, reinforces that direction.
now that i am freed from the isolation of positive COVID tests, i am actually excited about returning to the office this week. i am certain that as i sit in hot, slow-moving traffic tomorrow afternoon, my enthusiasm will fade and fade quickly. i “get” be a part of the office environment and because i do not want to spend another week at home, i will be returning to COVID protocols, when i am out and about. i am pretty sure the pandemic is not over and i am no longer buying what everyone else is selling. i refuse to accept this “new normal,” and will return to what i know worked for me ⇒ masks, distance and hand-washing. my bout of COVID was a direct result of me being less than diligent in protecting myself and my loved ones from this disease and i resolve to do much, much better. once again, learning from a failure to pay attention to what is really going on in the world around me. as my laundry spins down, i will put on the rest of my kit, do my stretches and get ready to take care of my physical fitness, just for today.

∞ DT ∞