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have to go! it is more than a bit ironic that i this topic seemed to dominate my 10TH STEP last night. makes sense, for a number of reasons, i am approaching a clean date anniversary and i am sharing my story soon. both make me a bit introspective and when in this mode, i tend to look through the lenses darkly at where i am and where i have been. i often forget to add where i think i am going to that equation and as a result end up on the short end of the stick. what came up last night and what i do believe will be the framework for my stream of consciousness share is the multiple personalities i have projected across the course of my recovery, starting from the lack of identity that possessed me, way back when. i do not need to foreshadow that share here, but just in case when the time comes and i space out all my careful planning, perhaps this would not be a bad place to jot some of it down.
i would have told you, with great certainty and arrogance,m that i certainly DID know who i was when i walked into the rooms, and an addict was not at all part of that identity. i looked at my ability to change into anyone as needed by current circumstances, as a source of pride and strength. after all, yes i am quite sure that i was clear what that means, getting what i desired by being whoever or whatever i needed to be was a valuable skill and one that i honed to near perfection in using. a chimerical as i was, what it deprived me of was my center, i was so used being what i needed to be, i no longer knew who i was, if i ever had known. even so, i was quite certain that i was secure in my identity when i walked into the rooms, as i was a victim of self-delusion and denial. i could say a victim of my addiction, but the fact is, i put “practiced” and perfected that gig, because i wanted to and to claim some sort of victim status now is just a whiny crybaby reaction to that which i choose not to look at.
here i sit a few days later, looking at where i am today, and although i have worked the steps, gained some self-worth and self-esteem, i still see my ability to fade into roles and be the man behind the curtain that i want no one to pay attention to, as one of my greatest shortcomings. as i pitch a tent on my FIRST STEP and wallow in the simple assignment of seeing what i am powerless over, all sorts of notions come up to distract me. this life through a series of ever-changing identities, is one that is upon my head and heart today. as i spend the next 30 minutes dealing with my daily commute, i will have plenty of windshield time to figure out what it is, i need to figure out. there certainly is lots of smoke around this issue, so there has to be some small fire burning somewhere and perhaps all it is, is preparation for what i need to share with my peers this week.

∞ DT ∞