Blog entry for:

Mon, Jul 24, 2006 07:42:20 AM


↔ over-sensitivity, insecurity, and lack of identity are often associated with active addiction ↔
posted: Mon, Jul 24, 2006 07:42:20 AM

 

many of us carry these with us into recovery!
nuff said, so long and thanks for the fish!
seriously, this is one of those readings that strikes me entirely differently each time i read it in my annual cycle. usually i am a bubbling cauldron of fear, uncertainty and doubt, when i get to this reading. i am at the end of my cycle, and the six weeks before my clean date anniversary is usually a time of great inner turmoil for me. this year it has yet to begin, for whatever reason and i accept the gift of this brief respite from my annual insanity. nevertheless, thinking about hiding behind masks to protect my way over sensitive nature and ever so fragile self-esteem always make me cringe a bit. not because it is something i do not do. hardly! mostly because it was a defensive trait that saved my bacon more than once when i was in active addiction. unfortunately, that same behavior almost killed me at the end of my active use. that trait left me untrusting and incapable of accepting that recovery was the path for me, and that the people in my life way back when were not out to get, and actually had my best interests in mind. but i was afraid of what recovery would do to me, and the last thing i wanted to be was some goody two-shoes automaton that blindly shuffled off to a life of boring nothingness. true fact! that is what i thought recovery would do for me, and although my life was not exactly the red hot, exciting, thrill a minute life i thought it was (a fact that i was starting to realize) it was all i knew and i tried my best to hang on to it for dear life. so this reading hits when i am at a place of remembering the masks i was wearing then and forces me to beat myself up about the masks i may or may not be wearing now. and i know nothing forces me to do anything, i force myself to react in a certain manner because of up until today, the shame i feel about the end of my active addiction.
today, i accept that i was unready to become more, unwilling to let anyone in, and unable to comprehend the gift that was being offered and i fell back on my default behavior. and since i was and am an addict, today i accept that there is no shame in behaving the way i did. i am no longer that man, although i am not quite sure who i am becoming i accept that if i want to continue to grow, i just need to be who i am and see what happens. life is full of gifts for me to accept or decline and today i choose to accept a few!

∞ DT ∞

 

djtConsulting Brand
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.

Another Look!

masks and self-esteem 284 words ➥ Saturday, July 24, 2004 by: donnot
α hiding behind the masks ω 220 words ➥ Sunday, July 24, 2005 by: donnot
∞ i use false fronts i to disguise my lack of self-esteem. ∞ 363 words ➥ Thursday, July 24, 2008 by: donnot
δ despite my fear of becoming vulnerable, i need to be willing to let go of my disguises δ 669 words ➥ Friday, July 24, 2009 by: donnot
√ i covered low self-esteem by hiding behind phony images that i hoped would fool people  460 words ➥ Saturday, July 24, 2010 by: donnot
ƒ one of the miracles of recovery is the recognition of myself ƒ 331 words ➥ Sunday, July 24, 2011 by: donnot
≈ by living a lie, i am saying ≈ 462 words ➥ Tuesday, July 24, 2012 by: donnot
¿ sometimes i believe that these false personalities, ¿ 728 words ➥ Wednesday, July 24, 2013 by: donnot
♦ the more i hide my real self, ♦ 495 words ➥ Thursday, July 24, 2014 by: donnot
ƒ fears of ƒ 793 words ➥ Friday, July 24, 2015 by: donnot
👹 phony images 👺 742 words ➥ Sunday, July 24, 2016 by: donnot
🚮 the masks 🚮 575 words ➥ Monday, July 24, 2017 by: donnot
🌟 hoping to fool 🌠 412 words ➥ Tuesday, July 24, 2018 by: donnot
🤒 over-sensitivity, 🤯 545 words ➥ Wednesday, July 24, 2019 by: donnot
😇 assets and liabilities 😈 561 words ➥ Friday, July 24, 2020 by: donnot
🎭 lack of identity 🎭 540 words ➥ Saturday, July 24, 2021 by: donnot
😱 not sure who 😎 588 words ➥ Sunday, July 24, 2022 by: donnot
🌜 goodwill is 🌛 628 words ➥ Monday, July 24, 2023 by: donnot
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☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯

THE TAO TEH KING, OR THE TAO AND ITS CHARACTERISTICS
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge

Book 1

3) (The Tao) produces (all things) and nourishes them; it produces
them and does not claim them as its own; it does all, and yet does
not boast of it; it presides over all, and yet does not control them.
This is what is called 'The mysterious Quality' (of the Tao).