Blog entry for:

once upon a time, in what feels like forever ago, but in the grand scheme of things was not that long ago, i got clean. the earth did not move, the heavens did not open up, the sun continued to rise like it had my entire life and there was no national holiday, and to tell you the truth i was a bit disappointed. although i was unwilling to do anything that smacked of religious cultism, i did want to get society and my family off my back, so i grudgingly agreed to “try” and stay clean, for no longer than three years. ironically, it has been a bit more than three years from my clean date, and i am still here. i was thinking about what my first sponsor once told me, and it led to what a friend tells the new guys who choose to ask him to be their sponsor: “sleep, shit and eat. if you have a job go to it. most of all do NOT and fix everything all at once. oh yeah and call me every single day.” sage advice and not quite a line i use, but very similar in nature to how i bring those new guys into the recovery fold.
no i was far from the model of a recovering addict back in those days. that scared, socially awkward little boy in the forty year old man's body, was arrogant, conceited, entitled and totally self-absorbed, and worst of all, saw nothing wrong with any of that. in fact, if one asked they would have been told, that is just who i am, get used to it or fVck off! i had an attitude that i barely kept under wraps. because i realized that if i had any chance of ever getting off paper i was going to have to trust this freak show, the members of the 12 Step fellowship i was welcomed into, to show me the way. i was certain i only need to work six steps, the GOD thing was not going to happen and that i was just fine the way i was, the rationalizations and the justifications for all of those beliefs and attitudes were many and seemingly without end, after all, i was quite used to be “right” all of the time.
fast forward to today. yes i am still here, and have actually worked all of the steps and have accepted that i am an addict and will remain an addict until i shuffle off this mortal coil. the CHOICES i have today, is do i want to be clean, do i want to be in recovery and if so, what do i need to do, to maintain my recovery? first things first still applies in my life, even though what i needed to do way back when, is not quite the same as what i need to do today. that being said, staying clean and manifesting that decision in my life is still the first thing i believe i need to do. i still have to ask for and accept a POWER into my life that will fuel my recovery and allow me to support that decision. i still have to remember that it was not all that long ago i was dragging my sorry ass to meetings, mostly to look good and remain compliant, but i still go to meetings today. all that i have today, is because of the program and my desire to do more than just stay clean. all that i have today, requires maintenance and applying effort, starting with figuring out how to apply spiritual principles. all that i am today, is the result of all of that, and that scared, socially awkward little boy, still exists, but is in the process of growing up and becoming socially adept. the part of me i call addiction has not been excised or exorcised and the conditions that made me feel that i needed to use, may no longer be a huge part of my life, but they are still there. at this point in the game, doing what i have done, is what keeps me giving what i am getting and even on my bad days, i do not feel like some of the days in those grey and fog ridden years of active addiction.
anyhow for me, first things first, right here and right now, means showering shaving and getting to work, it is after all, part of who i am today.

∞ DT ∞