Blog entry for:

i have the DESIRE to become, is not always as straight forward and obvious as i would like it to be. the path to becoming such a person, however, at least for me, is -> do this recovery gig to the best of my ability, just for today. the stories i have told myself, over the years, that i am finally beginning to see as the means by which i limit my future, are just being uncovered and exposed in the light. it is more than a bit ironic that someone such as myself, who lived as if he had the world in the palm of his hands, believed the “fake news” his fractured and battered ego fed him on a minute-by-minute basis. it just may be the news of the day is finally opening my eyes to what has been going on inside for decades, or that the recovery process has finally scraped through the layers of dirt, slime, and detritus that active addiction piled on to protect me from seeing the truth about who and what i am.
this has been a theme i have been revisiting for the past year and yet i feel i have not quite beat this “dead” horse enough, as it still bubbles to the surface on a very regular basis. i grow weary of having to deflect the lies that i tell myself. i tire of discovering the rationalizations and justifications that i use to behave badly. most of all, my greatest desire is to be who i am and stop all the game-playing that keeps me living in the world appearing in one guest role or another. it has only taken 8000 days or so, to reach this spot and i am not celebrating any achievements in doing so. in fact, today i feel a bit more self-abusive than usual and when i peek at the reality of my life, there really is no reason to be in such a state.
maybe my “silly season” has begun. maybe, i am being affected by the physical changes that are being manifest. or maybe, just maybe, i am beginning to grow up and accept that the “old man” who stares back at me in the mirror is who i have become and i NEED to learn to live in that reality. all of that does not matter, as if i continue to do what i am doing, i am quite certain that more will be revealed and when it is, it will not kill me. with that thought on the top of the stack, i think i will mosey on down to the office to start my week of on-call.

∞ DT ∞