❢ growing to feel ❢
Posted: Sun, Jan 15, 2017 11:43:47 AM
comfortable with a Higher Power as a source of strength. dang it all, one HIGHER POWERED topic after another, some days it just seems as if i have to cover the same territory again and again. i would say “déjà vu,” but commenting on an annual cycle of readings means that of course i have read this before and probably commented more than once. moving forward, yesterday was all about, allowing that POWER to do for me, today i feel that what i heard was having the FAITH to believe that POWER will care for my will and my life.
FAITH for me, has always been a sort of ❛chicken and egg❜ kind of proposition. i had to have evidence that this program would work before i started to grow FAITH that i could allow myself to be a member of the program. that evidence had to come from direct observation and it had to be mine. those first eighteen months of staying clean was an exercise in self-imposed misery, because i continued to discount my direct observation of how the program was paying off for me. over and over again, it was me and not some sort of mystical BEING in the sky, no matter how one sliced it, i was responsible for all the good things that were happening in my life and that mystical divine POWER was responsible for the not so good. no matter how much i was told that i would need to come to an understanding of some sort of a HIGHER POWER, and that it had to be my own understanding, i was still stuck on the terms that my fellowship used to describe that POWER. i finally saw that maybe, there was SOMETHING greater than me, that was keeping me clean and that fateful May night in New Jersey, when i could have started my spin down back to “the life,” a HIGHER POWER of sorts gave me the strength not to use and return to my life in here with a new depth of understanding, a FAITH that when i allowed IT to, a HIGHER POWER would provide the strength i need.
just as Thomas had to see the wounds, i had my a-ha moment, and finally felt the POWER inherent in a connection with something greater. i finally decided that i had FAITH in the 12 STEP program that has become my home and i left all others behind. it is quite true, that my first understanding was much closer to the norm in my local fellowship and over time, and in the creative freedom of this fellowship, i have come to an understanding of that POWER, in which i can commit my will and my life into the care of that POWER and have the FAITH that the outcome will be exactly as it is supposed to be.
my FAITH is far from perfect or all-encompassing, but it does exist and continue to grow on a daily basis. it waxes and wanes based on my spiritual condition, and this week it has been tried and tested. as i sit here on a very good day, i am certain that having the procedures i have had to keep my teeth, was truly the best way to make amends for me. the POWER that fuels my recovery, may or may not have put it on my heart. that argument goes back to that whole ❛chicken and egg❜ dichotomy. i do know that regardless of the pain involved and the sacrifices i have had to make, that i feel i am doing the next right thing. i am not regretful for this action. i finally esteem and respect myself to keep something i was given: the remaining 24 teeth that are still attached to my head. instead of wondering if this is self-will or HIGH POWERED will, i just accept that i made a decision, with the best information i had available and moved forward in a leap of FAITH. that leap of FAITH, is not that much different from the one i took when i became exclusive to a single 12 STEP fellowship and asked a member of that fellowship to sponsor me. the fact that i surrender just enough to stay clean, each day and just for today, is part of that package, that i accept on FAITH these days. if i want to stay clean, all i have to do is whistle, and i certainly know how to whistle.
FAITH for me, has always been a sort of ❛chicken and egg❜ kind of proposition. i had to have evidence that this program would work before i started to grow FAITH that i could allow myself to be a member of the program. that evidence had to come from direct observation and it had to be mine. those first eighteen months of staying clean was an exercise in self-imposed misery, because i continued to discount my direct observation of how the program was paying off for me. over and over again, it was me and not some sort of mystical BEING in the sky, no matter how one sliced it, i was responsible for all the good things that were happening in my life and that mystical divine POWER was responsible for the not so good. no matter how much i was told that i would need to come to an understanding of some sort of a HIGHER POWER, and that it had to be my own understanding, i was still stuck on the terms that my fellowship used to describe that POWER. i finally saw that maybe, there was SOMETHING greater than me, that was keeping me clean and that fateful May night in New Jersey, when i could have started my spin down back to “the life,” a HIGHER POWER of sorts gave me the strength not to use and return to my life in here with a new depth of understanding, a FAITH that when i allowed IT to, a HIGHER POWER would provide the strength i need.
just as Thomas had to see the wounds, i had my a-ha moment, and finally felt the POWER inherent in a connection with something greater. i finally decided that i had FAITH in the 12 STEP program that has become my home and i left all others behind. it is quite true, that my first understanding was much closer to the norm in my local fellowship and over time, and in the creative freedom of this fellowship, i have come to an understanding of that POWER, in which i can commit my will and my life into the care of that POWER and have the FAITH that the outcome will be exactly as it is supposed to be.
my FAITH is far from perfect or all-encompassing, but it does exist and continue to grow on a daily basis. it waxes and wanes based on my spiritual condition, and this week it has been tried and tested. as i sit here on a very good day, i am certain that having the procedures i have had to keep my teeth, was truly the best way to make amends for me. the POWER that fuels my recovery, may or may not have put it on my heart. that argument goes back to that whole ❛chicken and egg❜ dichotomy. i do know that regardless of the pain involved and the sacrifices i have had to make, that i feel i am doing the next right thing. i am not regretful for this action. i finally esteem and respect myself to keep something i was given: the remaining 24 teeth that are still attached to my head. instead of wondering if this is self-will or HIGH POWERED will, i just accept that i made a decision, with the best information i had available and moved forward in a leap of FAITH. that leap of FAITH, is not that much different from the one i took when i became exclusive to a single 12 STEP fellowship and asked a member of that fellowship to sponsor me. the fact that i surrender just enough to stay clean, each day and just for today, is part of that package, that i accept on FAITH these days. if i want to stay clean, all i have to do is whistle, and i certainly know how to whistle.
∞ DT ∞