โ when i lapse in my program, i begin to take control โ
Posted: Tue, Jan 15, 2013 07:41:05 AM
of my own life again, refusing the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery.
so as i get deeper into this stuff about me and the POWER that fuels my recovery, i find more and more places that could trip me up. what i am uncovering about me, is nothing new, i want absolutes. this whole trip about unmanageability, powerlessness and allowing myself to surrender my will into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, is just another way to disqualify myself from membership in the fellowship upon which my recovery depends. i feel like some sort of rebellious teenager screaming at thee top of my lungs -- YOU JUST DON'T GET ME! and that is not too far off the mark. in recovery time, i am a teenager, and if one was to use human intellectual and emotional growth as a model for growth in recovery, one would discovery that i am experiencing the spiritual equivalence of adolescence.
the spooky part is that on most levels, i feel like i did before i picked up that very first time, as the day is approaching that my time in recovery is more than the time before i ever used. it is no wonder that all the feelings i had about authority, authority figures and institutions are presenting themselves again, for mew to act upon or dismiss. when all is said and done, it is up to me, whether or not i want to separate myself from the pack, by choking on GOD and how some of my peers view that HIGHER POWER affecting their lives or accept that they, like m, are on a journey that has many points of interest on the itinerary, but NO destination. after all, if there was a destination, one would imagine that fifteen years would be long enough to arrive there.
as i sort out what i believe and do not believe and throw away the rest, i understand that i will present myself with more than one paradox? stuff like, what am i praying to and what am i listening to? after all, IF i am stripping away the human characteristics from the POWER that fuels my recovery, the communication that is part of my program begins to look like a superstition and not something i need to do. what came up in my TENTH STEP the other night, is that even though i may not think that the POWER that fuels my recovery actually listens, i NEED to continue the practice for me, as once i start to think that POWER is not active in my life, and start to lapse into spiritual complacency, i will lose any humility and serenity i have received. in other words, keep doing what i am doing, do it sincerely and stop sweating the details as they will drive me nutz! it is, after all, in the long run all about me anyhow, and as long as i accept and surrender my power, to the POWER that fuels my recovery, regardless of which of the 10 million names i happen to attach to IT today, all will be well, in my spiritual life. it is after all a great day to be…
so as i get deeper into this stuff about me and the POWER that fuels my recovery, i find more and more places that could trip me up. what i am uncovering about me, is nothing new, i want absolutes. this whole trip about unmanageability, powerlessness and allowing myself to surrender my will into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, is just another way to disqualify myself from membership in the fellowship upon which my recovery depends. i feel like some sort of rebellious teenager screaming at thee top of my lungs -- YOU JUST DON'T GET ME! and that is not too far off the mark. in recovery time, i am a teenager, and if one was to use human intellectual and emotional growth as a model for growth in recovery, one would discovery that i am experiencing the spiritual equivalence of adolescence.
the spooky part is that on most levels, i feel like i did before i picked up that very first time, as the day is approaching that my time in recovery is more than the time before i ever used. it is no wonder that all the feelings i had about authority, authority figures and institutions are presenting themselves again, for mew to act upon or dismiss. when all is said and done, it is up to me, whether or not i want to separate myself from the pack, by choking on GOD and how some of my peers view that HIGHER POWER affecting their lives or accept that they, like m, are on a journey that has many points of interest on the itinerary, but NO destination. after all, if there was a destination, one would imagine that fifteen years would be long enough to arrive there.
as i sort out what i believe and do not believe and throw away the rest, i understand that i will present myself with more than one paradox? stuff like, what am i praying to and what am i listening to? after all, IF i am stripping away the human characteristics from the POWER that fuels my recovery, the communication that is part of my program begins to look like a superstition and not something i need to do. what came up in my TENTH STEP the other night, is that even though i may not think that the POWER that fuels my recovery actually listens, i NEED to continue the practice for me, as once i start to think that POWER is not active in my life, and start to lapse into spiritual complacency, i will lose any humility and serenity i have received. in other words, keep doing what i am doing, do it sincerely and stop sweating the details as they will drive me nutz! it is, after all, in the long run all about me anyhow, and as long as i accept and surrender my power, to the POWER that fuels my recovery, regardless of which of the 10 million names i happen to attach to IT today, all will be well, in my spiritual life. it is after all a great day to be…
∞ DT ∞