¿ is FEAR an indication …
Posted: Thu, Jan 15, 2015 07:18:25 AM
of a lack of FAITH in my life? an interesting question, as i question whether or not i made the correct move a few months ago. today, well, today i am playing that one by ear as the cliché goes, as it is becoming different than it has been, just need to clean up a mess i made last week, even though it is not really something i did wrong, but it has the appearance of me doing something wrong. yes, all of this stuff i have been letting go of about appearing to be better than i am, and then i discover that my boss is all about appearances. even though i am in the office for 8½ hours a day, which adds up to two or two and half unpaid hours a week, he is all butt hurt that i actually took it off. so today, i will alter my time sheets to reflect the actual hours i am in the office, and remove those two hours from this week's time sheet, to soothe his sensibilities. it has been quite some time, since i actually worked for a time clock kind of boss, and i am not all that certain i care for it, but it is what it is.
there certainly is some fear AROUND THIS POSITION, and part of it, well most of it, is about whether or not i have the skill-set they are looking for. in this slow bit at work, i am trying to shore up my skills, but as i do, i also wonder if i really want to be here. it certainly was a leap of faith to jump ship, when they were ready to give me everything i wanted and now i wonder and am a bit anxious about my future.
which brings me back to the reading, am i allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery to care for my will and my life, or am i slipping back into self will in this respect? i certainly am in the mood to cut and run, before they let me go, as i can see that unless i get comfortable with sitting at my desk for exactly eight hours every single day, i will not be going anywhere further in this position. perhaps, that is just the lesson i NEED to take away, that for everything i think i want, there is a price to be paid. the price here, is a return to an atmosphere of tick-tock, i am on the clock, the pay off for me, was a huge bump in salary and now i am at the place that i am beginning to wonder if it was worth it.
oh well, as i still have a position, and i do understand the culture here, it is time to shower off and head on out for another day at the office. if i pay attention, i am certain the next right thing for me to do, will be revealed.
there certainly is some fear AROUND THIS POSITION, and part of it, well most of it, is about whether or not i have the skill-set they are looking for. in this slow bit at work, i am trying to shore up my skills, but as i do, i also wonder if i really want to be here. it certainly was a leap of faith to jump ship, when they were ready to give me everything i wanted and now i wonder and am a bit anxious about my future.
which brings me back to the reading, am i allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery to care for my will and my life, or am i slipping back into self will in this respect? i certainly am in the mood to cut and run, before they let me go, as i can see that unless i get comfortable with sitting at my desk for exactly eight hours every single day, i will not be going anywhere further in this position. perhaps, that is just the lesson i NEED to take away, that for everything i think i want, there is a price to be paid. the price here, is a return to an atmosphere of tick-tock, i am on the clock, the pay off for me, was a huge bump in salary and now i am at the place that i am beginning to wonder if it was worth it.
oh well, as i still have a position, and i do understand the culture here, it is time to shower off and head on out for another day at the office. if i pay attention, i am certain the next right thing for me to do, will be revealed.
∞ DT ∞