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i sometimes think that maybe i cannot handle life after all and that it is useless to try. yes, life can get, well different. i do wonder that if when i have thirty-four years clean, if others will see me as a **visitor** in my own fellowship or if i will still be a part of a thriving community, an equal participant in my life and the fellowship that has given me this manner of living. i know that thinking about a point in time fourteen plus years down the road is exactly what the reading was all about this morning, or rather NOT thinking about the face of the unknown future.
moving off in a slightly different direction, i get a bit disturbed when newer members put the expectation of being “happy” on their early recovery process and wonder if they are going to make it. once upon a time, i had a similar mindset, i was all about watching my life get better and based my expectations on that process continuing in an infinite manner. i believed that doing this recovery gig, entitled me to all sorts of “promises,” chief among them happiness. i mistakenly believed that my “reward” for staying clean was unlimited happiness and an easing of the burdens of living. much to my chagrin, i soon discovered that even after i had made a commitment to become a member and joined the “no matter what” club, life still was life, with all of its ups, downs and sideways turns. the past eight weeks reminds me that just because i am clean, go to work every single day, and do my bests to LIVE a program of recovery, i can still be affected by outside influences. worst of all, i can take on those influences as evidence that maybe this gig is not working and i need to emulate those who seem to coast through life, living it like the other 85%. just as those newcomers, i had built up expectations about how my life at this point of my recovery IS supposed to look, and get angry and resentful that it does not conform to those expectations, after all i am supposed to be a highly trained and valuable person to my company, not a piece of human chattel that can be bought and sold on the whim of a bean-counting “director.” the lesson i walk away with, from this whole process, is that i can and do form expectations about how my life will look tomorrow and when i live in that world, i am going to end up angry and resentful, when events happen to tip that vision upside-down. today i can say that i know the only reward for staying clean, is the opportunity to make the same decision tomorrow, that staying clean is its own reward. i can say that, and 75% of the time i believe it wholeheartedly, it is that other ¼ of the time that is dangerous for me, as illustrated with my attitudes and beliefs over the past eight weeks.does that mean i should toss it all, put on a hair shirt and visit the nearest legal dispensary of intoxicating substances, after all, i know that sort of action will ease my pain. no what it means is that i see that i am not a victim here, that wearing martyrdom is not attractive, let go of what i expect tomorrow to look like and be grateful that i still have a job, i am being paid what i was before and perhaps, even though i do not see it, there may be a career path that takes me out of the pigeon-hole i am so afraid of being stuffed into. in other words, respect myself, my talents, my abilities and my clean time. live a program of recovery free of expectations beyond staying clean and walk with FAITH that IF i stay present, i will be presented with the opportunities to get what i NEED and maybe even a few things that i WANT. i know today, those are two entirely different concepts and accept that my wants and needs may not coincide. just for today, i can feel my way to the next right thing and allow my life to unfold as it will, good, bad or indifferent!

∞ DT ∞