Some memes

my peers walk through their recovery and learning to come to terms with my intolerance. yes, i have certainly been critical and intolerant of my peers in recovery. it seems the ones i like the least are the ones that i am the most critical of, time and again. i do not give them the benefit of the doubt and am quick to condemn them to the hellish existence of a relapse cycle, wondering how they managed to stay clean until noon today. i am not proud of that fact and when i catch myself caught in the judge and condemn cycle, the rationalizations and justifications fly, fast and furious. the simple fact is, i probably would not stay clean, working what i perceive to be their program, but the same could be said of them, namely they might not stay clean working the program the way i do. that is certainly the beauty of this program, we each have the means at our disposal to alleviate the pain of living, accept the bumps and grinds of the road ahead and stay clean, just for today.
it is true, however, that casting a critical eye on how my peers live their program and the consequences, positive or negative, that are manifest in their lives, is certainly a means to bettering my program and life. if i stopped right there and did not judge the whole person based on what i perceived, i would stay on the spiritual path and tolerance rather than bigotry and prejudice would reign supreme. i have been “stuck” in a cycle of anger and resentment lately, and that has manifest in my behavior in various unsavory ways. sure i would like to be some sort of recovery guru, but the truth is, i am not, i am just another recovering “garden variety” addict, in a room full of people just like me. they are more than likely judging the quality of my recovery, based on how i act, what i say and what i do or do not share. once, not so long ago, that drove me to share all sorts of nonsense ➥ bumper stickers, slogans, clichés and the edited version of what i was going through. i may not have shared for the newcomer, but i certainly put on a performance to look like something more than i was. of course the flip side, was then to go all cynical and dark on my peers, and only share the scary places i have been and the dankest parts of who i thought i was. learning to find a middle ground, is a task i have undertaken, seemingly unconsciously as i work towards a better understanding of who i am and what i put out for others. somewhere between Pollyanna and Negative Ned, lies the real me. and i am on a journey to find that person, so i can show him to my peers, family members and those i interact with on a daily basis. learning to listen to what i consider to be the most odious members of my local fellowship, instead of dismiss when they say “i am an addict and my name is&hellip” is certainly a goal that is engendered in this reading this morning.
i know where the behavior comes from, FEAR. the FEAR that i am not good enough and i need to diminish others in my eyes, to feel better about myself. what i once did out loud and loudly in crowded rooms, has been exiled to my head only, which i s certainly progress. living a program of recovery is teaching me that tolerance is my path to acceptance and just for today, let's see how far i can get.

∞ DT ∞