Blog entry for:

of my belief...
so this topic seems to be coming up a whole lot, lately and it gets a bit tiring saying that meditation, rather than prayer is my main mode of conscious contact. i also will not apologize for the spiritual path that has found me. prayer may not be part of that path, but it is not by any means excluded. i still pray, especially with my peers as we open and close meetings and when i start and end my day. those parts of my spiritual practices remain intact after the days and days of examination and trying on various spiritual practices to see how suit me. if one wants to see how i got to where i am today, all they have to do, is to explore what i have written over the course of the days since i first started taking on this task. life ion the spiritual big city, is never quite a straight forward as it appears on first sight. what was, is no more and what is has come from what did not or would not work for me. the other night, i felt a kindred spirit with my peers, as many of them expressed the very same notions that have tripped me up, time and again. not having to define or put a label on, what is by its very nature, undefinable, is more comforting to me, than the belief system that i foisted upon myself, way back when i was first getting clean.
my spiritual path at fifteen days clean, was certainly different than that of fifteen months clean and those differences are even more pronounced at fifteen years clean. i see that as growth and an indication that i am becoming more aware of who i am and how i see myself interacting with the world around me. it is true, i no longer chock when i use the word GOD to stand in for the POWER that fuels my recovery. it is also true that i no longer humbly approach GOD in prayer with my peers as we close our meetings, and it is ironic how many of my peers i see “looking around” that circle at those moments as well, and how quickly they bow their heads when i make eye contact with them. me, i no longer care to observe the forms of what i was once taught and am beginning to assert my independence from inadequate and binding notions of a spiritual path. i am starting to see that choosing a path that fits me, is a cause for celebration and not a process that needs to be referred to obliquely and kept on the down-low.
so when it comes to readings about prayer, i am still at a bit of a loss as to what i NEED to be saying. i pray, minimally and that works for me. i feel the presence of the POWER that fuels my recovery, in my day to day activities, by pausing and quieting my mind. i guess, in my case, this could be looked as prayer of a sorts, as i am seeking guidance for whatever happens to be going on, i am just not explicitly asking for it. as i have not been in the office in the past four days, i think, that the next right thing to do, is to shower, shave and make that commute. it si a good day to be clean and my little side project is approaching completion, now all i have to do, is let go of what i desire and seek that which i need.

∞ DT ∞