Blog entry for:

other people, in a new manner. it is true, sometimes i peek at what i wrote in years gone by, and this morning was one of those days. i never quite got to the point of why i wrote what i wrote or what it was all about but it did hammer home what i heard this morning. that point being, that it is me, and only me, who is responsible for myself, my behaviors and my recovery. i am certainly powerless over my feelings, they come and go. they often are seemingly random reactions to the events in my life, but they certainly just are feelings in the first degree. yes as powerless as i may be over what i feel, how i act on them, is part of being responsible for my behaviors. i have been a total a$$wipe to my clients and team mates at work, and as i finally pull my head from out of my a$$, i am starting to “amend” my behavior and treat them once again with the respect they deserve, after all, it was not them who sold my position away and locked me out of coming back. part of coming out of my over-zealous reaction to that event two months ago, yes Jason S, i too can hold on to things for far longer than i need to, is the revamp and re-engineering of this website. sure, it looks and acts the same to the user, but in the background, i am knocking out all the tech debt i have built up and making the code more modern, more streamlined and hopefully a bit more secure. as i develop this new code, i am getting a sense of the freedom and frustration of working on old code as well as the green fields approach i am taking for the new. this activity is sharpening my skills and after i eliminate the my debt, i have more than a few ideas about how to expand what i am offering and build some new stuff. will all of this development activity land me a new job opportunity? maybe, but more and more i am feeling that this is an amends to myself, as i have been lazy and not been keeping up with the trends in my field of endeavor. this is me, taking responsibility for what i have not been doing and doing something to stop my decline in obsolescence.
as i start to feel better about what i am doing with my free time and my skill-set, the results are showing up in other places, namely work, and at home. suddenly i am not all sullen all the time, barely fit company for anyone, walking around with a cloud over my head. i feel less funky and even am ready to move forward into getting back into shape, so in September i can summit Mt Bierstad. as i start to rebuild some dreams and revisit some goals, i am less a force of darkness in the world and closer to becoming a force for balance. no there are no unicorns popping out of my a$$ today, daisies and rainbow, will hinted at, will not all of a sudden be springing up around me, but just for right now, the cynic within is quiet and i am a bit more at peace and serene, and no this is not a pink cloud, this is a combination of joyful acceptance of my current lot in life.
taking responsibility for how i arrived at this place in my career is taking responsibility for events that i cannot control, corporate masters buy and sell “human capital” as if we are livestock and always seem to pretend that they are humane, if that helps them sleep at night, more power to them. for me, living under a cloud of what they did to fVCk me over has taken far too much of my energy for far too long. today, the next right thing for me to do, is to let go, accept what is and be okay that i can take some power back, by looking for something more and developing myself into a valuable asset, even if i go nowhere else. after all, even when i am healthy, it is all, about me. 😝

∞ DT ∞