Some memes

to my recovery that i accept the chaos of life, without adding to it. there was a time when chaos ruled my life. there also was a time when i attempted to smooth out that chaos with a little bit of better living through chemistry. there also was a time when everything in my control went smoothly and what did not was the fault of someone or something else. i was certainly of the opinion in those times that i was able to control a whole more than i actually was, so it goes. what i could and did control with fairly good success was how i felt about the world and what life was throwing at me. ah, but those days are behind me, as what i used to control my feelings is something i choose not to use, anymore.
yesterday, what life threw at me was some post anesthesia feelings. even though i did not use, i certainly had the notion that using might be a good idea. i know that was a consequence of my “not so freebie.” i joke about getting high just before the anesthesia knocks me out, in fact, i try and prolong that brief moment for as long as possible. most of the time, there is no consequence for me. this time, however, two days later i am fucking drama queen and whining about how just one “gummy” might just be what this doctor ordered. this morning, i see it was me that added that chaos to my life and not the procedure. i have said more than once, but getting high was one of my favorite things, right to the end of my using. getting that feeling, even for a few seconds, reminded me of that and yesterday i was all sorts of remorseful that i chose once again not to get high. 😭 😭 😭
today i have a plan to address my injuries and it starts with moderation. instead of sitting on my ass, i will do short walks of 2 to 2.5 miles at 4 miles per hour, and making them longer on Sunday. i will do my PT exercises at least 3 times this week. i will remember that this sixty-nine year old body does not heal as quickly and requires the tender loving care i never thought i would have to give it. i will run again. i will hike again, BUT NOT TODAY! today, i will follow my rehab plan and be grateful that i have the ability to possibly make it back to being as physically active as i was six weeks ago. is that in my control? maybe. if it is not, well, more will be revealed.
as for today? well off to the cigar store for quiet time, home for some yard work, maybe a nap or more writing of my ever expanding story that will need to severely trimmed down and soccer. life is interesting this morning and i am going with the flow, after all, life on its own terms is not always bad. the using insanity? gone today and feels like it never happened, ironic that what i was looking to enjoy, smacked hard upside my head and made me regret ever wishing for that bit of bliss. today, my bliss will come from relaxing and allowing the world to spin as it will. i can do that, just for today.

∞ DT ∞