Blog entry for:

the gratification of some of my desires in order to fulfill more important long-term goals. yes, there are certainly days when i believe i am entitled to a medal, just because i have deferred gratification. the irony here, those who are not addicts, never feel they deserve praise or rewards for delaying gratification, they intuitively seem to know that IF they want something, they often have to give up something else to get it. somewhere down the line, i missed that lesson and yes using, taught me that even if i was disappointed i could do a drib or drab of this or that, and i would feel all better again, for at least the next twenty minutes.. so here it comes, one of the greatest cop-outs i have ever heard ⇛ i have no patience because of addiction. i can blame my NEED for immediate gratification on addiction and abdicate all responsibility to do anything BECAUSE I AM AN ADDICT.
great work when you can find it, and once upon a time, it might have even had a kernel of truth in it. when i blame addiction for any behavior, attitude or set of feelings, i am blame shifting and attempting to shore up my sagging self-esteem. even as a newcomer, i wanted to blame shift and abdicate ALL responsibility for my actions and behaviors and the whole devil made me do it argument, fit like a glove. today, with a step or two and a day or two under my belt, i can no longer safely duck under that rationalization, as i have a tad bit knowledge about who and what i am, and what makes this addict tick. i can not state that this is true for my peers in recovery and these days, casting similar motives on their behaviors and attitudes, is not part of my modus-operendi. speaking for myself, and myself only, i still want to find the means to duck and cover, when life on its own terms comes a-calling, and blaming addiction is a convenient scapegoat.
the reading suggested that i pray to discover what IS important to me today and ask for the strength to move towards that goal. as wonderful as that sounds, sitting still and waiting for divine inspiration, still to this day, does not strike as a course of action i would wish to choose. in fact that inaction, in and of itself, is sometimes the most difficult task to accomplish, because i lack the patience to wait. then, as always, i am stuck in a feedback loop that only get tighter and tighter and ends up with me treating the people in my life as if they were pieces of shite. the worst part of that really is, i will justify it by saying “at least i stayed clean!” GAWD, how i hate that phrase when it comes tumbling through my lips, especially when it all about salving my bruised ego or trying to make something i did, a bit less heinous. right up there with that bit of blame shifting magic is: “after all, what did you expect, i am just another addict.”
today, i have a bit of HOPE that i can find the means to discover what i want for my life, instead of flitting from one desire to another. troday, i have HOPE that i can defer what i think i NEED right now, until what i NEED has been granted. today i have FAITH, that the program works, i can stay clean and more importantly become something i have never been before ⇛ whole, genuine and self-assured.

∞ DT ∞