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are part of who i am. as an addict in recovery, that is no less true then when i was using. it was and is a fact of life and i have come to accept it as part of who i will continue to be. even with a bit of time clean, immediate gratification is still what i desire. patience has yet to be the first place i reach when i am not getting what i want. all of the above is more than enough for me to throw in the towel and give it all up, after all, if after decades clean, all of that remains, what is the point? not a whole lot of HOPE in that tasty bit i just pounded out, unless one shifts one's perspective a bit and looks at it this way: DESPITE all that still being present, i am still clean and committed to living another day in recovery.
there is a bit of exaggeration in all of that, pandering to the crowd with a touch of false humility, is also part of whom i still seem to be. i am more patient today and less driven to seek immediate gratification. sure, obsession and compulsion are still part of my life BUT i have more than one set of brakes installed, thanks to a program of recovery. case in point, this morning started off messed up before my feet hit the floor. with my watch face being blank and nothing went according to my plans. with everything up in the air, and me feeling a bit off, i had to adjust, readjust and recalculate my plan for this day. i did not die, because i did not meet my expectations, nor did i end up pitching a fit over the fact that my plan was in tatters. i accepted that i had to make adjustments and you know what, i did not die.
as i get ready to post this and head out to get some stuff done, before i get locked down for my week of on-call, i am okay knowing that Sam may not have everything i desire. i will get what i can get. just sitting here, my hoarding tendencies are kicking in and i better go check my stash, one more time, as i prepare my shopping list.

∞ DT ∞