Blog entry for:

and all recovery has done for this little attitude is soften it a bit. well i would be exaggerating there, it has softened it quite a bit. i still feel the need for instant gratification at times, and i sometimes obsess on how to fill that need, but i have not had to fill that need through the use of mind or mood altering chemicals in several days in a row now. in fact, that itch has not needed to be scratched by retail therapy either. and that is a miracle! the most obvious way i act out on the need for instant gratification is to go out and buy something -- a toy, a new computer, or something much larger and much more expensive. you know something bright and shiny to show myself how much i am worth. what a healthy manner to assert a bit of self- esteem, n’est-ce pas? NOT! and this is the heart of the matter that the reading went to today for me. if i want to meet my realistic life goals, such as purchasing a house with the woman i love in less than a year, i need to defer gratification on these silly little exercises of pumping myself up. i need to pay down my consumer debt, i need to save some money, and i need to live well within my means. delaying gratification, however does not come easy to this addict, and sometimes i feel it is way to hard and just FUCK IT! and then something like this line gets my attention " Higher Power, help me discover what's most important in my life. Help me learn patience, so that I can devote my resources to the important things."
and all i can do is step back, take a breath and try to live in that manner. at least for this stretch of twenty-four hours. and so with that in mind, it is off to meet my responsibilities so that i can move forward with the goals that i can realistically achieve today!

∞ DT ∞