Blog entry for:

of my past experiences? only if i choose to be, and just for today, i choose to let go of being a victim.
the reading speaks to me on a few levels. the one theme that strikes home with me, is the notion of being powerless over how culture, my family, my gender and addiction shaped me into the person i am today. without a doubt i have very little power over those forces and when i came to recovery, i denied i was a victim of anything, i merely had a legal problem due to a rat who could not even save his own a$$. denial kept me from seeing that drugs were even a problem and allowed me to believe that i certainly was NOT the product of any of the forces listed above. eighteen months of “noodling” with the program, finally put me into a situation started the wall of my denial to shatter and fall, and found myself looking far less secure and far more vulnerable than i had ever been. i was of course not willing to accept any responsibility, sure i might be an addict, but all the dirty deeds i did were because of my addiction, i was a victim in this respect and since addiction is not my responsibility, the creepy, duplicitous and manipulative person was how i was wired and it was society's, fault, they made me into the man i was.
i am quite certain on that first FIRST STEP in this fellowship, society, culture and my family were on my powerlessness inventory and they rightly belonged there. what i did not realize way back when, was that i MAY be powerless as to how they shaped me, i may have even been a victim to those influences, BUT through the process of the steps, i no longer have to accept that as my final destination. quite honestly, the notion of being a victim or a martyr to addiction is a comforting mantle to wear, as it absolves me of having to do anything about it. i can stop on the side of the road and fly a sign, relying on the kindness of strangers, instead of doing anything about my life. the third disturbing realization be damned, i am not responsible because i am a victim 😭 😭 😭 !
today, as i sat and listened, the whole notion of being a victim, ran through my head, time and again, until i finally went with it. it si quite true i was influences and shaped by the forces listed above and their power is still part of who i am. it is also true, however, that the steps provide me a counter to that influence and the path to becoming more than just another victim of the culture into which i was born. i will not speak for anyone else, but i got a whole lot of gifts being born when and where i was, and most of them have some heavy prices to pay, when it comes to becoming whole, genuine and self-aware. i could whine about the burden of being a white male in America and how everyone is trying to stack the deck against me with all that politically correct affirmative action stuff. the fact is, i was born to privilege and have gotten accustomed to what it means. i have grown an entitlement to having a leg up and i understand why others like me, feel that they are losing something as society begins to chip away at privilege. that too, goes to the notion that somehow i am a victim in all of this. just for today, through the steps, i seek an vision of myself that no longer has to rely on blame-shifting, obfuscation, rationalization and justification. io can cast the cloak of victim-hood into the bit bucket that contains the rest of the garbage recovery has allowed me to discard and walk confidently on the path to becoming the man i never dreamed in could be.
time to go make the doughnuts, as it were. it is a good day to take back the power i have given away for so long and acknowledge that i am a product of those forces but i have a path to transform them into something greater, the all new and improved, bright and shiny version of Don.

∞ DT ∞